Love (TW)

To be honest, I used to think that love didn't exist. I felt like I was the only one in the world who could ever love. Friends and family members have abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically. The abuse gave me one lesson: fight back with war. But, of course, there were times when I fell in love, and they were all terrible before the love I now have. There was never a good ex. I have been lied to, SAed, physically abused, body shamed, gaslighted, cheated on, groomed, and heartbroken. All of that even happened to me with girls, so it isn't just guys who are pricks. 

All of it leads to eating disorders and self harm. I tried to call out for help with it before, but no one believed me, even though it was happening right in front of them. They would say I was lying or doing it for attention. Even one of my best friends (now an ex-best friend) made sure I had no friends or friend group by spreading lies about me. it was terrible. I had nowhere to sit during lunch in high school. I even thought that the internet loved me back then, but all it did was use me. 

I thought it would be a better freshmen year of college, and I was so excited I was going in with a boyfriend already. But he gaslighted me and made me feel like the feelings I couldn't control with BPD were a curse and I was insane. His anger would get worse, and he would search my phone (I had nothing to hide) and tell me to delete almost every man in my phone because they were "flirting" with me (it was even as simple as the person texting me was just saying hello), and then as the heat of his anger rose, he would start lunging at me as a scare tactic and gain dominance. But then, after my best friend yelled at me for not leaving him, I finally let all my anger come forth and I broke up with him, got all my sh*t back from him, and then threw out every single gift he gave me. There is more to his story, but maybe for another time. 

I went on to try to date other men and women, but all they wanted was my body. They were too busy or they were still obsessed with their ex. Pathetic. All of a sudden, one day, I got a drunken phone call from my ex. I answered, and he was just saying he was drunk and that it was just a normal phone call. The next day, he texted me and wanted to start again. I should've said no. We dated for a while, but I was never myself. I didn't feel like myself, but I made myself believe that I was myself. But he never did anything special for me. All he did was take me to a dance that wasn't fun, and he really wasn't paying attention to me, his date. I even wore my nicest dress, and he never commented on it. It was like I was invisible. All he would do was never have time for me because he was tired, rarely visit me at college despite the fact that he was only 20 minutes away, put my best friend in danger by allowing her to like, hang out with, and visit his best friend who is a r*pist and has other victims, and she became one of them while I was kept in a room for 2 hours with no phone and concrete walls like solitary confinement, do drugs constantly, and remind me that people from high school and his parents hated me (his parents hated me because I was hyper when I was 14) and they wanted him to break up with me. He never stood up to them, even though I asked him to. I had enough.

I got drunk one night, and I hung out with my best friend, and we drove around, and then he let me go to his room to drink more. It was so much fun, and he just looked like an angel, so we kissed. It felt wrong, but it felt right the most. I felt safe and comfortable. That lasted longer, and we got closer and kept making memories. I broke up with my boyfriend and fell for my best friend. Even his roommates knew, and they supported it. Then another night I got drunk after partying. I admitted to him in his car that I liked him, and he liked me back, but the next day we talked about it. I gave him time, and then finally he agreed to date me. 

Yesterday was our 4 month anniversary and we live together in his apartment on campus and he treats me like a queen and I couldn't ask for anyone better.