What even

I often wake up every morning with that edgy urge to put a bullet in my skull and just call it a day as if I thought I would just wake up 24 hours later just to do it again, but *spoiler alert* I never do it. It's not that I am feeling suicidal, it is just the fact that I don't want to deal with doing the same shit every day.

Monday - Friday, I wake up at 0500, clock in at 0630, clock out at 1530, go home to this very dull room I call my sanctuary, do fuck all, and then I fall asleep around 2200. All hours usually filled with the silent self loathing thoughts constantly rambling on in my head about how I have yet to accomplish anything.

If I am lucky, a holiday falls on a weekend making it a 3 day weekend. On which I treat myself to the local dispensary to buy 4 pot brownies and a slightly more potent rice crispy. I eat the rice crispy on the drive home like the irresponsible adult that I am that way it will start to take effect by time I get to my room. I have myself a glass of milk and continue my weekend by spreading out the 4 brownies through Sunday usually filling the journey with whatever shows on Netflix that slightly catch my interest, video games, and solo bon fires in the yard. Again occupying the events with more silent judgmental thoughts in my head. Yes the pot make the demons less rowdy, but it doesn't make them any less of the assholes they are.

Some people say that I need to set my own personal goals to get out my loop, but I just can't find the motivation. What would be the point?