January 15th 2023

I haven't updated on here in a very long time.  I had a change of heart somewhere in the past, I thought that I was ready for recovery and tried my hand at it.  As it turns out, I was not ready for recovery.  I think I believed I was ready because I was in a relationship, I still am, and i didn't want to disappoint my partner.  My "recovery" turned into a few months long binge and me using the excuse that, "I'm in recovery" to give myself permission to stuff myself full of unhealthy and impure foods. 

I stopped taking my medications, I just don't think that they help me.  The only differences I can find between me on my meds and me off of them is;

• having a period more than just twice a year
• being able to loose weight easier and faster
• and being more emotional than before

Off of my medications feels like looking at the world without my glasses; yes everything is blurry but I can see the true color of the people and things around me. 

I plan to be posting again as much as I posted before, hopefully everyday.   I've been trying to write in a journal but I just find it tiring as well as dangerous.  If something ends up happening and I get hospitalized my parents will go through my room and read everything I have written, where on a laptop they don't know my pin number.