just thinking

hi guys, i know i havent posted or come back on here in ages but I just wanted to share how I feel :0

that trend on tiktok to beautiful boy and hey jude(ish) with people sharing stories about their dads have no idea how lucky they are. you have no idea what a privlage it is to have a dad that loved you and continues to love you as you grow up and ykw maybe these people are aware and maybe they know how lucky they are but there is nothing I wouldn't do to have my dad hold me again when I was sad or cry because he's happy to see me or say he loves me without expecting anything else. id be happy if he told me he cared about me for once or if he did the things he did with me when he was younger and I know he never will and it tears me to shreds. i want to love my dad, I want to love him more than anything  but that'll never be mutual and that's what rips me up. 

my dad wont love me or respect me and we both know it and its because he sees himself in me too much and he hates himself for it because I'm turning out the same way he did . we're nearly identical and he hates me for it and I wish he wouldn't. i miss my dad I miss him so so so very much. i miss making slime with him and I miss watching horror movies with him and I miss him scaring us with his fake zombie makeup. i miss him feeding the stray cats in our backyard. i miss him making us waffles. i miss him holding me and telling me it was gonna be okay

my dad is getting old, and that scares me too. i told myself id never be upset over that or his death or anything like that but honestly I'm scared to death of him passing. i just want a normal dad I hate seeing him age and I look at him and god I just want to fucking scream and cry and do something because I wish and wish that he would have turned out better and yknow what I don't even think I'm getting anywhere with this other than I miss my dad and my heart is open and out there for anyone who knows what its like to have a dad that very well could love you but refuses to

syd