Old Friends

last year i left an editing group that was very dear to me. They're the ones who gave me the nickname i use now. We were a sailor moon based but multifandom editing group with talented people. I joined i believe march or may of 2020 and I had a blast meeting all the new and OG members. I clicked with all of them. there was 1 leader and i think 6 co-leads who were actively making the discord server a fun experience. I was there until January of 2022. I had a falling out with one of our new recruits from the summer and ( i feel like i had every right to act the way i did) i left since everyone was against me. To tell the truth, I have FOMO and a toxic trait of mine is being jealous and possessive over my partners/friends. I still have that problem but without any friends, I cant act out on it like i used to. this member seemed to have the other members wrapped around their finger. I felt threatened for my position. Everytime i tried to talk in the chat, they trampled over my words and nobody seemed to care. I wish i didnt lie to the group and told them how I really felt about this member instead of being petty and acting like the superior one around them. I usually always listen to my gut and my gut was telling me they, were not that much of a likeable person. I always had the feeling they were out to make me feel unseen and/or trying to get everyone else's attention off of me. The point is I left. I tried to make amends with said member and it did not work out. I was told that I could be let in to the group again if that member and I talked it out. So i messaged the member and they said we could call and talk it out. They said they'd let me know when it is a good time to call cus they were busy with their own personal life. Which i understood so I waited. Checked every day if this member had messaged me a time to talk. I waited days which turned into weeks, turned into months. Its 2023 now and not even a message apologizing for the delay of our agreement. I was devastated. I was never gonna get back in. Just recently I messaged to one of my dearest members from the group and asked basically said if she'd like to catch up since she was in touch with my younger brother. (not to mention, this dear member of mine helped deescalate the situation with the other problematic member) i messaged her 3 days ago. Never got a response. She lives in Europe so i like to think the timezone + her personal life is what's keeping her busy; but im slowly loosing hope. I don't think she likes me or anyone else in the group likes me anymore. This genuinely devastated me. I miss them all so much and I'd do anything to get my friends back. They helped me through so much. I just wish I was a better friend, i was very unfair to them and they dont deserve that.