reviving "that girl".

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how to go back to feeling like that bitch, after becoming attached to romance.

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listen, i honestly wish i could answer that question.

i'm looking for answers myself tbh.

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see, i believe myself to be "that girl". you know, the cute girl you notice on the bus or that friendly girl in class. that's me. she is unique and special. there's just something about her and her aura when she enters the room. but anyway, yeah that's the kind of person i would say i am. 

and i believed that i would be adored by people i was interested in. i mean, why wouldn't they want to adore me? i was used to that treatment, people treating me like i am a prize - and i liked it. i felt confident. i still am, but my focus has slipped from myself to something else...

...or i could say, someone else.

i fell for someone by accident. i think the worst thing about it is that by denying myself the feeling i was experiencing, it just grew out of proportion. what could have been a simple crush has turned itself into an idealistic infatuation of a person who does not deserve it. 

i started talking about this person to a friend for the first time after i noticed some signs of potential romantic interest. i just didn't want to tell my friends straight away over one simple interaction you know? from that one friend, it moved to talking about this person to most people i know. just because i wanted to make sense of our relationship, constantly unsure by their hot and cold energy - which i am still experiencing to this day.

i've done tarot readings, been told countless of advice from all my great and supportive friends, watched videos, read articles, and still i feel unsure of what to do in this whole mess i've got myself in.

the only thing i haven't really tried is accepting that i did have a crush on this person. whether i wanted to or not. i did. i might still have it in me. this hope that we will be good for each other someday even if it isn't the right time. and this is all happening for a reason. i mean, i wouldn't have wanted to waste all this energy on a person who wasn't meant to stay right?

well, i don't know what will happen. because of their mixed messages i've just been distancing myself from them, which helped when i didn't see them in person. and with an event that happened recently, they flipped my 'moved on' status upside down. constantly thinking about them, even when i wish to focus on more productive things and more worthwhile relationships.

i'm still "that girl". i am surrounded in people who like me, want to listen and be around me. i have career opportunities opening up for me. i am more abundant with my relationship with money. i am deconstructing my past and learning behavioural patterns. i am adored by people, -hell, i could even say i adore myself.

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but, they must be filling a feeling that i lack. 

and i must find out what.

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signing out,
~ cl♡ud.
21:28.