january 13, 2023. poem#2

Mother dearest

by denise wences 

jenii how i adored you're brains and sweet heart.

how you protected me from all harm.

kept me safe in those motherly arms.

the world is such a dangerous and chaotic place,

a place kids aren't ready for.

a place parents are worried they wont make it,

which is why mothers try their best to protect their kids.

but jenii why couldn't you protect me?

protect me from what she'll say..

protect me from you.

you should have protected me from you.

you're motherly arms no longer made me feel safe and warm.

your soft words now just feel bittersweet,

more bitter then sweet if i'll be honest.

everyday the words 

"you're fat"

"no one will ever love you"

"you're so useless"

"you're a good for nothing"

"go kill yourself if you want you'll end up in hell anyways"

is a mother really supposed to say those things?

what mother says such a thing?

why would a mother say it to begin with.

what motives?

was i not helpful enough?

was me raising your daughter not enough?

was me taking care of you drunk at the age of 6 not enough?

was my love and admiration not enough?

i sit here a crying like a sad little 9 year old feeling so alone and empty with no such concept of love.

no father to show this little girl how i should be treated and seen and loved.

no mother emotionally available to show what love even feels like.

why am i not enough for you?

i thought the world of you.

why am i not enough?

why am i not pretty or skinny enough?

why am i not smart enough/

what is so wrong with me that you hate?

im you're daughter, you're my creator.

can i fix it?

please tell me how.

i just want you to stop being so mean.

i want my mom back.

i want our long sweet talks and funny little moments,

i want our movie nights back,

i want to be able to have normal conversations without you getting mad and starting an argument over any little thing.

from the way i breath to the way i speak to the way i even exist in the planet.

what have i done?

what did i do?

be my mom again, i dont like jenii.