diary 7 - life is hell

01.11.22

god this fucking sucks. i have an research paper over a month late atp for seminar that i still havent finished yet, and she wants it in by friday UGH. and i have my midterms next week and i dont even know what fucking days they are bc the school doesnt post that shit online for whatever reason. ugh. goddamn it. why is life so fucking hard? tomorrow for sem were going to a local college to use their resources at their library for our next paper, which is great. except its an hour away. meaning i'll be in one of their shitty school buses for an hour with my leg the way it is. god.

why does it have to be like this? there's no possible option for me not to go. i missed the research day last essay bc i was out on a college tour and that set me back by weeks bc i had to scrounge up research sources on my own, which sucked ass. so i need to go or there will literally be no option for me to catch up. i'm so fucked.

so i have to do it like this. tomorrow will be finding the resources and drafting my paper--as much as i can--for this IRR2. just fucking cranking it out. doesnt matter. time myself and make sure i'm just running through articles to get them in that essay.

then when i get home, i'll OH FUCK . i completely forgot fucking jefe wants me to go over tomorrow or friday. I LITERALLY HAVE NO FUCKING TIME I WANT TO CRYYYY...... what the absolute fucking hell... and of course everything had to be this fucking week too. it just feels like i'm always in a fucking crunch week, that i'm always just going going going. there's never a point where i feel i just have a fucking break that lasts more than an hour.

even on days "off" it just feels like i'm spending all of my time not relaxing but recovering from the week before. but i never fully recover before monday, and so for the entire year its just shit after shit piling up on me. god. like fuck. i don't even have a real moment to process what jefe's done, and what the possible effects are, its just fucking, right to the next thing. now i have this fucking research paper, and then immediately after i have midterms. how the fuck am i gonna have time to study for midterms??? 

god it just sucks. so fucking much. if it was just the IRR's it wouldve been fine. i wouldve finished the first IRR that was late before christmas break even. if it was the IRRs and my college apps and my late work for other classes that wouldve been fine. theres a lot of time in the day and i wouldve had it all done and put together. fine. whatever. maybe a lil stress. if it was all my late work, and sem, and my college apps, and my LEG it wouldve been better. it wouldve been stressful. and i still wouldve missed school. but it wouldnt be as bad as it is right now. because no. i cant just have that i need to have jefe too. right at the top. from one jefe drama to the next, i havent even finished completely processing what happened from christmas with my siblings and him, and now this next thing he pulls- AND HE WANTS ME TO SEE HIM TOMORROW? He sends me that fucking text like nothing even happened FUCK YOU. i hate him so much.

it feels like i'm drowning in this shit. i have no fucking friends. i have noone in my life i can talk to about anything without feeling like i need to conceal it. i cant talk to anyone about jefe except my family, but even then i cant give them my full feelings, because i know they have their own feelings about him, and me sharing mine would hurt them more than it would help me. if my sister kept bringing up her trauma about him to me i'd be pissed. not at her. but just, idk, welled up with emotion, and i know theyd feel the same way if i did that to them. and my friends arent even my friends at this point. i dont have a single one i feel comfortable talking to about real shit. there only there to make jokes it feels. none of them want a deeper friendship with me where we can share our real shit. they keep me distanced, and noone makes an effort with me.

and i cant make an effort back. i feel like if i added anymore pressure to where i'm at i'd just explode. like those hollow water filled ice cube things they eat for asmr. i already tried with E and that was such a monumental waste of time and energy and emotional availability that i just cant. i'm not doing that again.

ugh... i just want to disappear into a vacuum space where i can just. hang out. for a bit. lol.

i like being a fun person but this is just really fucking me up rn. i feel like i'm gonna slip in my outward personality. i like making people happy, and i know how awkward it must be to have someone around you always be depressed and negative, but i just feel like i cant do it anymore. i just want to curl up into a ball like a hamster, and burrow myself in some soft straw. and never talk to another person again. but who cares? i'm a fucking adorable ass hamster? yeah...

also it pisses me off that when i try my customizations for the blog posts w like [p] n shit it always deletes the spaces between my paragraphs.. like for my last blog it just made it a fucking wall of text and also got rid of images like bruh. fuck you.

also i started reading homestuck :v i'm on the start of act three right now.

well i guess thats it.

goodnight.