How've You Been Today?

I'm feeling better than yesterday. Things don't feel so hopeless now. Maybe I'm just in a rut. It happens to me sometimes, even with the medication. Still, though, if I keep ending up in ruts like this, electroconvulsive therapy may still be an option on the table. Not so keen on ketamine therapy, so I likely won't be considering that. Funny how I'd consider shocking my brain over it, but that's just the point I'm at right now. Man, it would be nice to not have to take medications anymore.

You know, it's funny. I did research on Schizophrenia when I was in high school. Freshman year. It was fascinating and I enjoyed researching it, but there was one thing that I found especially curious. Many of the articles and research papers I read stressed that Schizophrenia can be well controlled, and many that take their medications lead fulfilling lives. Then I read that there were many who would skip their medications, leading them to suffer greatly as a result. I always wondered, "Well, if that's the case, why would they skip their medication?"

My years on anti-psychotics for my mental health to keep my moods under control have taught me a very hard lesson. Anti-psychotics are hellish drugs. I need them, and they do help, but goodness are they hard on you. They have a million side effects, like causing movement disorders, forcing you to wander around in a mindless fog, dulling you until you feel like nothing inside, and making it almost impossible to wake up in the mornings because of how hard they sedate you. Of course people don't want to take them. Sure, they ease the suffering, but how much of yourself are you willing to give away? How much suffering until it's worth taking the medication?

I've made my choice. I'm completely nonfunctional without my medications. I have to take them. But, I understand why many don't.

To quote one of my favorite songs, "How many milligrams of you are still left in there?" (Check out Will Wood, his music is amazing).

Taking time away from Discord has been good for me. Not having people messaging me constantly and vying for my attention has lessened the social overload I'm constantly feeling. I wish it could be this way all the time, but that's not realistic. I care about my friends, and they care about me. I must return eventually. Probably tomorrow.

Oh, also? I have COVID. Physically I feel like complete trash.

Will update tomorrow.