Where've You Been?

Y'all might be wondering where the heck I've gone off to. Well, the Christmas season was busy for me. I'm also deeply burnt out over Pokémon, sadly. I played so much Y that it made me pretty tired. I'm still a fan of the series, don't worry, I've just been focusing on other things right now. My biggest interest at the moment is Toontown Rewritten. I've been playing through their Sellbot expansion.

These past few days I've also been severely depressed. I took a break from Discord and I haven't been speaking to anyone that I know. It's like, all my friends do is annoy me. It's not them either. It's me. Everything annoys me. They don't do anything wrong or even annoying. The thought of socializing whilst burnt out like this is driving me insane. I just want to focus on one thing and not deal with extras. I feel bad for my friends and family because of this.

Everything is just so difficult, you know? It's hard to do my chores, keep my room clean, take showers on time, all that. Why's everything got to be so hard? Every day I'm walking uphill. It's insane to me to think there are people out there who can just... do stuff without fighting.

I was talking to my dad about how everything is just so hard to do. He told me that it's in our blood. He doesn't like doing anything either. He said, "I think it's because we're simple people. We have a few things we really like, and that's it. All the extra stuff just doesn't matter to us." I think he might be right. It's depressing though. Oh, how I've tired of fighting my inner nature. Is this really what I'm destined to be?

The other day, I wrote this year's first suicide note. I write one at least once a year. I never go through with it, and I don't think I will any time soon, but... you know, things are tough right now.

I need to get out of this house. I need to get away from everything. I want to run away. There's nowhere to go, though. Not in the economy I currently live in. So I'm stuck here. There's no way I'd live with my mom again. We get along better now, but those memories are just in too deep.

And I'm so scared of the world, too. I can barely order from a fast food restaurant. Talking to people gives me panic attacks. I can't drive because I dissociate on the road due to the amount of fear and anxiety I experience. Since I'm so scared of people, I haven't gotten a job yet. I ask my dad how he managed to do it, and he tells me medication. But medication is not working well for me.

It's been hard to sleep. If I try to sleep with the lights off, my mind imagines frightening figures lurking around my room and looming over me. When I do manage to get to sleep in the dark, I have horrifying nightmares of demons from my past. My solution is to sleep with the lights on, but unfortunately that impacts the quality of my sleep. I'm tired a lot of the time.

My doctor put me on a new medication. It helps me focus and get work done, but it seems the depression is just in too deep. Like how mold gets stuck in the grout of a bathtub. If it keeps going like this, I'm going to be looking at treatments outside the realm of medication. I'm talking ketamine therapy and electroconvulsive therapy. Neither of these things are appealing to me. Ketamine therapy makes you more prone to suggestion by a therapist, and I don't want that. Electroconvulsive therapy is, well, electroconvulsive therapy. You might know it by its older name, electroshock therapy. There's something inherently frightening about having your brain zapped, even though it's been proven to be effective.

I'm hoping I'm just in a slump right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll feel better. Will update y'all if that indeed is the case.

I'll be posting my final thoughts on Pokémon Y soon. I have it half-written, I just need to finish it. Thanks for sticking with me.

May your future be bright.

- Al