loneliness

i feel so lonely. it feels like i have no one to talk to or be friends with in the way i need. i want someone who will be nice to me. i feel like no one wants to treat me gentle.

i feel like none of my current friends are really my friends. sure, we have fun together sometimes, but i feel we never really go deeper than surface level when we talk with eachother. like my one friend has opened up to me ab her struggles w her autism and life in general and i rlly appreciate that, but idk. in that case its me i think, it just feels like we never really connect idk. and for my other friends idk. like i get a general sense of whats going on and how they feel but not in a deep way, or a way i can say with 100% confidence. idk.

i keep thinking of E for no reason. she hasnt reached out to be friends or anything since i gave my gift and i dont understand why i keep thinking ab her. i know that the her im thinking up doesnt actually exist. my whole concept of her is based on what i've heard from others and my own expectations. i know this. so why do i keep thinking of her? of my idealized version of her that will listen to me and hug me? god, i dont understand why her. in the past i've always been fine dreaming up with characters, miku, whoever doesnt matter, but this time its a real person. who i've tried to reach out to. yet i keep thinking shes going to act the way i want. but thats just not how it works and im being stupid. bc shes a real person not whatever anime waifu ver i dream up of her in my head. but my fucking brain wont get it.

atp my siblings are really my closest friends. idk how to feel ab that. but their the only people ik who love me so unconditionally, who i feel get me. but even then i still cant tell them ab the stupid shit i would w a friend. yk. i just wish my current friends paid me more attention ig is my conclusion. we srsly go days without talking, and sure, when we do its just like we never stopped, but i want someone i can talk with every day, who i can tell whatevers on my mind and like... idk. i do like my friends but it just feels like theres smth missing sometimes. :/

like i cant tell where i'm wrong and where i'm right. it feels like im being held at arms length. or maybe im oversharing? i just dont get it. i told my closest friend Q ab this drama with Jefe and how i was feeling very stressed and angry, and their response was "He's a poop face." what are you, 5? what kinda fucking response is that?? to someone upset and wanting some comfort?? or something?? god i wouldnt be mad if they'd atleast have responded with "shit face" instead, but really? "poop face"?? that really pisses me off. its so demeaning. we arent fucking children, you can think twice about what you say and maybe try to actually comfort me in a time of need "omg i'm sorry :(" "god that really sucks" or smth!! like what the actual fuck. "poop face". are you trying to be funny? because this isnt the time or place. grow the fuck up.

like Q is fine, a lot of the time. we have fun ab stuff, and sometimes i feel i'm heard, but also i feel they're the only person i'm close enough to to actually tell this stuff to. it just sucks. i dont understand why someone turning 18 years fucking old would respond with "he's a poop face".  i dont understand the thought process. "yeah you know what will really comfort my friend of 6 years? talking like im in fucking preschool." fuck you. if the positions were reversed i wouldve tried to comfort you, yk, bc thats what friends do.

yeah, this week is absolutely fucking miserable. my one friend wants us to do an escape room on friday which sounds like fun. but i also have to go to Jefe's tomorrow at 4. and also on saturday for new years. and on top of that i also have work on saturday which i think i'm just gonna have to call in for. bc my knee still fucking hurts. and on top of that i have my applications for William and Mary and Richmond due and fuck. mom hasnt finished the css and i havent finished my essay, AND the counselor hasnt finished her bit but whatever bc i think that can be done later. i just ugh. fuck. this break i thought i would have time to work on stuff but no bc i forgot im gods favorite miserable act and he likes to make me work for my popcorn. "maybe this christmas i'll drop the bomb shell that jefe's gf who you thought you liked is actually just as much of a massive asshole as jefe is. yeah thatll bring me some laughs. and then i'll also make it so zurie has a shitton of work to do for school on top of xeir college applications. that'll bring me some laughs. oh, and an unfinished research paper? dont mind if i do! over break work that the teacher said was very long ominously? fuck yeah! familial drama? obviously. the urge to maim and kill xeirself? yeah throw that shit in there." thank you god for all the shit i've been dealt, some day i'll kill jefe and you too.