Diary 4 - stressed. :(

feel like shit recently. my sleep schedule is terrible too, not as bad as last years but... ugh. my knee hurts a lot, and work is stressing me out bc my manager keeps expecting me to be going to shifts even though i literally cannot stand for any kind of period of time and always need my leg elevated. like, omfg, i cant do it, and its not my fault they cant find people to hire.

and i hate my family so much. i love my siblings and my mom, but the rest of my family sucks so much fucking ass. i hate my fathers side with my entire being and i wish they would all drop dead, they are the most spiteful, negative and stupid people on the planet. and all the stress of seeing them fucking sucks.

i hate how my entire life has to fucking revolve around these people. i hate all the shuffling around with spending time at my fathers house for it, like, god. just feels like im a fucking dog getting dragged around everywhere and its so stressful. i hate him so much.

it just ruins my entire week, and i cant plan around it either bc my moms always a frazzled mess and somehow manages to never know whats going on at any given point. and i dont have access to any documents. so its just a fucking mess.

and my right pointer finger hurts recently and i dont know why? i think it has like micro-glass in it or something from my phone, bc i randomly get shooting pains whenever i use it. ugh.

in the good news department, i gave E that sumikko gurashi chrimmy gift. at first it was rlly awkward bc she gave me this fucking look like o__o when i first showed it to her n she was like "um, whats thats" and i was like "oh shit guess this was a mistake" but afterwards when she opened it she was like "aww this is so sweet like i'm gonna cry ;')" (her exact words i would know) and i was like "yes. win." anyway. idk. i dont think she really likes me that much tho, like i feel like she still ignores me and doesnt really wanna be friends. ah, whatever. i felt it was something i needed to do, and honestly even if we never talked again i felt good about doing it.

only 10 days left to get my essay done for richmond and william and mary,, aw fuck. i dont think ill be getting into them anyway but i still wanted to apply, esp. william and mary bc i like their classics program. gettys, centre, and furman arent until the 15th which gives  me some time... ugh. still, it sucks. and the other apps are all after that. idk. i dont wanna go to college i just wanna kill myself tbh lol.