a narcissist, c'est moi

particularly when it comes to my music. i am always the top artist i listen to and i get the comment of "oh wow what a narcissist." and like, maybe? i mean, i always do say that i make music i myself would like to listen to but can't find elsewhere. but this is where it becomes a bit... self-inflating?

i legitimately think i make some banger tracks.

like sure, i am also my biggest critic, i constantly find issues with songs i have completed, old and new. but overall, i think my music has some strong merits. particularly in, i feel, creativity. as some may know, i have a terrible memory, and fun fact is that i don't remember how to play like all but five songs from my catalogue. that also has the effect of, i am legitimately awestruck by what i managed. like, a lot of the times i did stuff, perhaps by accident or on purpose, that i have no idea how i came up with and executed. awestruck might not be quite right. more like pleasantly surprised. that has a better connotation.

a great example is an old song called "headchop". it's no masterpiece, but it has many creative moments that i have no memory conjuring, and no idea how i could have possibly come up with due to how it is just such a diversion from my usual play style. in fact, i remember exactly zero parts of that song's writing and production. i just found it one day while i was browsing my files and there it was: a unique song i have no memory of.

now, of course, i must note that the songs up are a fraction of what i have created. perhaps a fifth. i have a lot of shitty, uncreative, overdone, and/or poorly executed songs in my horde of data. and even some released songs are not up to par, looking back. but, that does not negate the (what i feel to be) gems.

like my old old song "i am a monkey" says:

i am a monkey at a typewriter, writing away

hoping to make something worth the light of day

i throw lots of shit at the wall, and sometimes it sticks and makes an amateur mona lisa.

i have recently been getting into not just listening to electronic music, but also been trying to create some. and man, it is a challenge and a bit frustrating. it's a whole different vocabulary, method of writing and producing, etc. and on the one hand, it is discouraging because very little is any good and the few that are good are at Forests Animals and People level of decent. that is to say, some good ideas but nothing worth telling anyone about.

but then i remember how long it took me to be able to make something i was to any extent proud of like FAP. i started writing songs when i was like 12, recording at 13 (and not to mention playing music since i was 5). just as i turned 17 i released that first album, which i had been working specifically on with a strong idea of what i wanted for about six months. so, it took me five to twelve years depending on how you want to look at it to make anything okay. so i guess that even if it takes me a couple years to get anything decent completed in the electronic music department, i should be grateful that i managed such.

let's see how much shit i need to throw in this department to make a last dinner or whatever it's called.

anyway, gotta quit procrastinating now.