Wanting to simply not exist

Tw kinda touchy shit so read with caution <3

The want to simply not exist.

A weird thought, almost eveyone has has the thought cross there mind at lest once. Right? A bad day hits you and you think, “why me?” “Why must I suffer this” and some go further to think. “Why must I exist for only this to happen.”

Why. The most asked question in the world, and I see why. 

“I want to go out with them.” Why?

“I want them to be Happy.” Why?

“It makes me happy.” Why?

“I want to disappear.” 

Why?

It’s odd really, I don’t think I’ll ever know why to a lot of things, I know when tho.

When did I simply not want to exist. it’s been a forever thing, i thought it before I even knew what killing myself was. Laying on that couch. Looking at the ceiling fan spin. Wishing it would fall on me and rip me out of this dream, rip me away from what was happing to me, I wished to not exist. That’s the first time I ever thought that. 

I wanted to die before I knew what dying was. I was a kid, a 7 year old wanted to die.

But wanting to die isn’t the same as not wanted to exist.

Like Wanting to never be born never existing, to disappear. Like taken a bit of code from a game out and deleting it from existence, the game would still work just that code isn’t there anymore. Sometimes you wish you where that little bit of code.

Why exist in a world that has no meaning. Why die in a world with no meaning. 

I hate the thought of wanting to just go away. Leave eveyone. 

Going back to being that little kid on the couch watching the ceiling fan spin, wishing hoping begging for it to fall on me, rip me away from existence.

That feeling never leaves me. Even it the happiest of moments. It Stays there. Forever.

The want to simply not exist.