15/12/22

Playing Minecraft, art class, the letter R, discord, the feeling of love with a hint of lying to myself. All the things that bring me back to you. It may not feel like that long ago but to me, sat behind you in math class trying to think of ways to adjust myself to your ever-changing personality to just get you to notice me and see me the same way you did when we were twelve. I’d like to say that I’m over you like I tell other people and try to prove to myself, but the truth is that I never will be over you, rocking myself back and forth every day, my mental stability is based on how much you talk to me every day. And even though I am always trying to transform myself for you, whether it’s starving myself, dying my hair, or changing my entire personality, I can’t help but feel like I drift further and further away from you and our memories each time I transform myself. I wish I could go back in time to our period 6 Friday art class so that I could never tell you I loved you, which over time has become made into a joke by the same people that invited me to play Minecraft with you. But at the same time, I never really did know where our relationship lied, after all, you can’t exactly tell someone’s emotions through a discord call at five AM. Am I wrong for sensing that something was there? Or was I (and am I still) in an ever-lasting fight against myself? Your playful flirting, the way you would stand behind me in class, and the fact that you wanted me to draw you, was that just me being delusional? I wrote in my “letter to myself” (a stupid tutor assignment) that my goal for the year was to regain my friendship with you. Sometimes I lay in bed wondering what you think of me, or if you even ever think of me at all, do you see me the same way I see you? Do you want to be friends again? Or do you just view me as another classmate? You still send out some hints that you want to be friends, like that one time you played with the flowers in my hair, the way you laugh at my jokes while eavesdropping on my conversations, the fact that I give you a hot chocolate from the coffee machine whenever you want one, and the way that I am always the first person you ask for a MacBook charger. But you also tend to be so confusing. I also remember when you told me you weren’t sure what you were sexuality-wise in that argument I started out of spite after I told you I loved you, are you sure now? I also wonder if you ever noticed that I unblocked you. I noticed White Rain Boots is dropping little hints that she has a crush on you, like the way she laughs at your jokes, and that she buys you hot chocolates whenever I can’t, and even though she’s one of my best friends, the fact that she does those things fills a type of rage in me. One that makes me hate her to an insane level, but that’s not what I want because she is such an amazing and talented girl that I’m sure would be perfect for you. And I still don’t even know if she does like you. I’ve tried so so so so hard to get over you, I made a fake relationship, developed fake crushes, but for some reason, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else in the future than you. 

Soooo that's it. Concerning my day, today I am taking a mental stability break from school (which i can not believe that my parents let me take,) but I also have an insane amount of work to do so i should get going.

:)