14/12/22

        Hi there, for the past few months I've been wanting to start writing in a diary but was either too lazy or had no motivation, so I decided that instead of doing the homework that might define the entirety of my effort grade in tutor class (or homeroom), that I would instead use my energy to a better outlet, a diary. I like to think of myself as a literary person or someone who likes to write, but to be honest, when it comes to this I'm just looking for a way to talk with myself and to be able to go back to it, so don't expect Macbeth level writing. I don't know that I'm going to talk about anything specific or what direction this might go in but eh.

        Anyway, the first thing I want to talk about is something that I think about a lot, people's mental perception of the type of person I am. Personally, the world would be perfect if I was able to be entitled to my own thoughts and if people weren't so nosy. The assignment I'm supposed to be doing is one where I write something about the job I want to have in the future and what subjects I need to get there. I was asked by a girl that we'll call White Rain Boots, named after the new shoes she got today (which look absolutely horrible), what job she looks like she'd have, where I compared her to my mother.
        My mother is a woman that a lot of the time, I feel like I don't really know. I admired her most of my life or at least a lot more than I did my father. My mother grew up in quite a traumatic household; with an abusive brother, a strict mother, and a vegetable of a father (not literally, but more so that he would just sit around and let things and abusive things happen in my mom's childhood home.) These things made my mother a very emotional person, so much so, that most of my childhood memories consist of my mother crying to me, whether it was about her age, her weight, she failed life, or her overall trauma, but they all struck seven year old me the same way and with the same pain that I had to learn adult things way too early on in my life. There is even a reminiscing joke in my family that whenever my mother would cry, I would bring her a glass of water, which is not very significant, but in reality, it was the only thing I knew how to do to feel a little less weight on my shoulder of how to console my mother. 
        But back to the point, I told her that she reminds me of the way my mother had dreams for her life as a child and that she spent her life regretting that she never got there, but eventually realizing that she was better off the way she is now (which I'm glad she did, but I only wish she would have figured that earlier lol). But I meant it as a joke. She wasn't visibly mad or anything so I asked the question in return. She told me that she saw me as an influencer, which is the complete opposite of what I want to be AT ALL for many reasons (that I don't feel like listing right now). Whether she was being serious or if it was a "comeback", but nonetheless, It got me thinking about the fact that nobody really knows me. Anyways, I had an entire train of thought to continue that but I got bored and forgot it, so that's it for today. 

:)