Scattered - a stream of consciousness lament

I have pretty much no focus...Except when I do. Then I am really focused. Then everything is about that. Until it's not. But even when it is, it's an unfocused focus that doesn't lead to much by way of conventional standards. In the neurodivergent community, this focus amidst distractibility is often called a 'special interest' or 'hyperfocus'...But I don't quite fit into any particular category of Neurodivergence. So even when I think I have found where I fit in, I really don't. I have traits of ADHD but they're not 'bad' enough to cause me to be unable to hold down a job, for example - in fact, I have held down the same job for two decades. When I took a screener for Autism in Females, I was blown away by how much I resonated with - especially as a child. But since I have either masked (or outgrown ?? or Rx medicated??) some of the more obvious traits, I really don't fit there either so even there I feel like an imposter. My beloved psych doc who I go to for medication management has agreed that I have the distractibility of ADHD but didn't think there was much to do for it since I have learned to compensate so well. He didn't seem to think that Autism was part of it even with the screener results.

Again - I am quite functional, I have good relationships, a steady job, and a good marriage, I have fun. But I don't accomplish much. I have what I have wanted - a job that I enjoy (well, that was true until the last few years) that I could work and then come home and do other things. The problem is that I don't do other things when I am home very much because I'm scattered. There are so many things I'd like to do that I become paralyzed on where to start. Everything has so many steps to get to the meat of that I lose interest. No amount of self-talk really helps. I require outside structure which I tend to push back against -- you know "don't tell me what to do!"

Some of this comes, I know, from my many years in the culture of evangelical Christianity, having grown up needing to be the good little girl for God (while always having a streak of rebellion, I'd still usually default to fawning). Having deconstructed from that has increased my resistance to organized, structured, group things. While I want to learn, I don't have any interest in going to live classes with a bunch of other people to 'share out' and do group projects with. That sets my teeth on edge when we have to do that stuff for in-services at work. The internet provides a lot of solitary learning opportunities so I sign up for classes on my topic/s du jour. And then wander away from them, never following through. I learn a lot, but I don't apply it to anything.

It took me nearly 20 years to complete one single screenplay that I wanted to write. Sure, I wrote a different one in college because I had that good ol' outside structure. Deadline and grade at stake. 

This need for someone else to tell me what to do is infuriating. I feel like a child. 

I have tried all the journals to organize myself - it's great fun to set up an organizational system. I can set up a killer (though not always very pretty) weekly Bullet Journal spread. Do I follow it? Nope. I've made the most simplistic weekly layout that I can. Do I work that weekly? Nope. I do well with keeping appointments with my digital calendar apps, so I don't miss important things, but I also don't do the things I might enjoy because -- well, all of those aforementioned steps that are involved.

Then there is dyscalculia (undiagnosed but plain to see) which renders my brain unable to process things that get too deeply into numbers. It is surprising how many things require this skill...I could be a really great photographer, but I cannot for the life of me understand manual settings, and calculations needed for specific editing or lighting techniques. There is only so far you can go with making it up/figuring it out as you go. That becomes exhausting. If I can't render an image how I'd like it by knowing exactly what I need to do with the camera or the editing software without an hour of trial and error, the joy is sucked right out and I remain forever at an elementary level of an art form I very much enjoy...

Rinse and repeat for other visual arts like crochet and sewing. Numbers. Counting. Mathematical concepts. Brain shuts down. 

So power through those challenges! Make your dreams happen! The pollyannas and memes say. I've tried to relearn math multiple times. It just doesn't compute. At some point, you have to admit defeat. 

Things I follow through on? Stage shows - because of the outside structure. While I need it, that can be draining. I love doing shows. Yet, I also feel the most drawn to solitary arts. Sometimes I look at paintings done by others that sell for thousands of dollars and it looks like they just willy-nilly threw some paint on the canvas with a brush. How did I miss the boat on that gig? But truthfully, the artist has probably studied for years to achieve that painting. And gone through drafts of it before it was 'right' and they utilized skills and theory I have no idea about. There are very improvisational arts that don't require lots of technical learning, I know. I did Improv for five years. I would love to do more...See above for my scattered ways. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to just go in and do some art. The wave of interests and FOMO and wanting to do ALL the things comes crashing in. So I just don't start. So I get nowhere. So I sit and think a lot about what I'd like to do. I make plans to do them. And then I start something and abandon it. And start something new. And abandon it. And on and on. 

I don't hate my life. I am very blessed. I have what I need. I just live in a constantly running mind that is never quite settled and never quite focused. I'm like a hummingbird. But I think Hummingbirds actually achieve something from their flitting about. 

've tried to tell myself that there doesn't have to be a product at the end of a process - just enjoy the process. Yet that feels incomplete and unsatisfactory for the long haul. 

Maybe there is a way to harness the flitting about into something with purpose. 

I think I will go and spend the next 6 hours researching how to harness the scattered mind...

...And so it begins....