unmasking autism and star butterfly

hello heres a rant/discussion about my feelings :o

     yesterday i saw a video discussing an autism headcannon for Star Butterfly. Idk why its never dawned upon me before that star has so many autistic traits. Before i was educated on autism and before i knew for sure i was autistic, i was OBBSESSED with her when i was little. She was a role model bigger than jojo siwa to me. (i dont suppport jojo anymore jus fyi) Star made me feel proud for being weird and loud, and in spite of the bullying and teasing i (proudly) took, i was EXTRA fucking annoying and hyper all the time :,) 

anyway the person i was when i was little doesnt really exist anymore. when i was in 9th grade i was certain i wasnt a girl and i choose star to be my new name even tho the "star" inside of me was activly dying. the pandemic happened and i was antisocial and couldnt see my friends. even when i was younger i couldnt be the hyper social butterfly i was without my friends next to me. In highschool (10th grade) i asked my teachers and classmates to use my new name but already after half a year went by i started to feel ashamed of it. I was "emo" and quiet as possible, and unlike my trans masc classmates with diff pronouns and their transitioning, i felt like a joke using a different name. I started going by juli because i dont like being called juliette very much. 

after discovering the star autism headcannon video i was reminded of all these things but i felt upset bc i feel like i betrayed myself and star. I only talk about my old self as if she was gross and annoying (in a neg way) but i know for fact star isnt those things so why should i think so of myself. i think of when my parents tell me they miss how happy and excited i was all the time, something i hated hearing because i thought they were lying and it pisses me off that they didnt also see how horribly depressed and corrupted i was at nine at the same time as my happy go lucky era. 

this 'tragic' moment i had yesterday inspires me to practice harder on unmasking and bring the happy person i was out again without shame. ik it wont ever be the same but ik shes there, last year during gym she was def there with her two best friends at gym, making various animal noises and playing tag during the tested mile run. im very grateful i know that im autistic now, and that i understand why im the way i am and why i was treated the way i am, im even more happy to remember why star was such a positive light in my childhood and understanding it deeper than before.

so yeahhhhehehsheha X> 

im going to learn to be proud of my preferred name again, I'm going to learn to not care abt what ppl think again, and im gonna to act how i wanna act  :) 

YIPPEEEEEE