scientology is the most elaborate scam ever

(heres a comedy routine i wrote on scientology, ill probably never perform it because, well, im not a comedian, im just a mentalist who writes this stuff for fun. ANYWAY ENJOY!)

I'd like to speak about a very important topic that i hold dear to my heart, and that is scientology. And no, I'm not being sucked into some pyramid scheme that's not why I like it, in fact, I'll explain it to you and you'll understand why I find this so entertaining.

If you don't know what it is just imagine a crack addicts' fusion of Rick and Morty and Star Wars. now picture that as an entire religion.

boom. scientology.

The origin story is absolute poetry with a hint of madness, I'll try and summarise this the best that i can:

Once upon a time, there was this mad lad called Xenu. Our pal Xenu happened to be an alien villain who ruled some galactic society.

He faced a major problem our Xenu, space was overpopulating, that's right, out infinite universe was overpopulating. How did Xenu resolve this?

He tells everybody he needs to check their income taxes. But wait! Turns out this was a LIE!

He instead paralyses the aliens using alcohol, there's not a very high tolerance of alcohol in space so some Smirnoff ice probably did the trick nicely.

"BUT WAIT! where did he hide the bodies?" good question sir you've clearly done this before.

Big man Xenu fires the aliens at earth in rocket ships and places them in circles around volcanoes. 

Very clever, they'll be burnt to ashes by lava. Problem solved right? Nope! To seal the deal Xenu fires hydrogen bombs at them, thus freeing their souls.

Their souls are then trapped and forced to watch these mindless, corrupting 3D movies full of lies for 36 days straight. Did I mentioned this allegedly happened millions of years ago?

Anyway, once they finish watching love island, they possess the bodies of humans. You now need to spend $128,000 to get rid of these alien spirits. not suspicious at all.

In fact, Tom Cruise did this and is now "OT level VIII" meaning he now has telekinetic powers and can read minds. That's real by the way, that's genuinely how they rank it, and Tom Cruise is an avid believer in this religion. He even donated $25 million to it. Another believer just happens to be the voice actor of Bart Simpson, Nancy Cartwright.

Back to our protagonist, Xenu was trapped in an electric mountain where he remains today, you know, as opposed to being trapped in a non-electric mountain.

The founder of this beautiful religion was L Ron Hubbard who claimed he had a near death experience whilst fighting at war and all this knowledge was revealed to him at once.

Bullshit. No sober man can come up with a sci-fi novel that batshit crazy.

This guy was high as hell when he came up with that. he probably wasn't even at war he was just so high he thought his house was getting bombed by an alien overlord whilst he was surrounded by lower ranking aliens in 3D glasses holding overdue taxes in one hand and a bottle of grey goose in the other.