2:28 am, 12/5/2022

im just a little love sick moron huh

i like to imagine im in love with a new person every week. ill be talking to someone i regularly talk to and just randomly go "wait, do i like them?..."

i dont. its my brain fucking with me. but its nice to think about for a minute. i think the only person ive ever truly like, actually loved is my best friend. id honestly say i still do. theres something viscerally different about the feeling id say i have with them rather than the off-handed "oh butterflies!!" moment i have with others. it feels more real, however pretentious that sounds.

i think about love quite a bit though. when we're together all i can think about it "god, i love you." sometimes not even in a romantic way. ive never met someone that just instantly makes me forget everything bad thats ever happened to me. the feeling is so amazing in the moment. there's of course a downside to it, like most things.
i'm already quite insecure and an overthinker, so now with the idea of "i have to impress this person" or that i somehow have to "prove my worth," whatever that fuckin means, it kinda doubles.

not her fault though. 

ive always had that mindset. "in order to secure the friendship, i must prove myself useful! i have to show WHY we should be friends!" its not healthy, yea. it can be useful though. my therapist says im a perfectionist. its funny because id agree but im also kind of a fucking slob. 

i feel like a lot of people see love, or the concept of it, to be a nice out. "man, if only i had a partner. then everything would be better!" 

and i definitely get it. it is easy to get lost in the feeling, especially if its strong. but the truth is it wont. suddenly being in love is a nice feeling, but it doesnt make all the stupid shit go away. id even say its quite irresponsible to get into a relationship if you're still dealing with like, a ton of shit. not just for them but for your well being too. love isnt some crutch you can use to fully support yourself on. love cant magically make everything better. i do fully believe though that it can help. its good to have a crutch, but you still have to put in the effort to walk. doesnt happen on its own. this may just be me projecting though

sorry if im talking or being more dramatic in general. i notice that i tend to talk and write like im in a movie or some dramatic novel when i get in these little moods. i think i forgot to take my medicine or something last night. not sure though. cant remember . 

this might be one of those things that i delete later on if i find it too embarrassing, idk though. back to the topic at hand though.

Love can mean a lot to me. it can mean little things, the way a person remembers your favorite movie or gives you a gift that you can just tell was thought out. the way you can see normal every day things and think "that reminds me of them!" or "it!" you dont have to love just people. you can love things, and they can love you. id say music loves me, even if it bites me in the ass sometimes. i certainly love music. 
love doesnt have to be specifically romantic either, although i do love romanticizing normal every day things. something so whimsical about it. maybe im just being dramatic though.

heres a song i like right now.

 have a good night.
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