i want to talk about how small i am

i want to talk about how small i am

why i feel incapable 

why i feel like i can't grow up

why i talk too much and can't handle being alone

why do i regress

why did this happen to me

why my siblings where so far gone and what to do to fix it now

why i idolize people who resemble my siblings

why do i cry so much

why do i feel so much

why can't i understand what normal is

you know how little kids don't know what's real and fake. what to believe and trust. what to turn away from.

i feel like i've gained morality but not the ability to know the truth

i feel so lost

i feel so gullible 

i feel dumb and alien-like

what do i do to act more grown up

to be mature 

to know what's true

why am i still scared of the dark

why do i still watch cartoons 

why do i still cry into the same blanket i did as an infant 

why do i try so hard to fit in

why do i paw out for something i could never reach 

why do i idolize my siblings and want to make them more proud than i do my parents

why am i stuck in a hole i can't get out of 

why is my perception drops in a bucket 

why do i feel lost.