held up by duct tape and string

I put my Christmas tree up on Thursday. It's the same plastic tree I put up every year. But this year, I noticed that, at some point during the eleven months that it was stored in the garage, the plastic base cracked, and the tree had become unable to stand on its own. I managed to get the tree to stand up eventually, after making a bit of a mess, but not on its own. It leans a little bit. This tree is literally being held up by duct tape and string.

That seems like an apt metaphor for my life right now, being held up by duct tape and string.

I feel like I'm barely hanging in there. I have a lot of big unanswered questions. Things are changing. Many things that used to be important to me have moved out of my life, and so far those things are being replaced by idle pursuits and time wasted. It's well after 8pm and I'm still in my pajamas. Unless someone can plan something fun enough at the last minute to drag me out of the house at this hour on a rainy night, I'll probably go to bed in the same clothes I woke up in, something I don't believe I've ever done before.

I'm afraid to open up to people in certain contexts. I have a lot to say that I feel like I can't say. I feel alone and out of place. I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point, and I'm missing out on life. I can't keep going like this. I know things could be a lot worse, but life is discouraging and draining right now. And I absolutely hate being such a downer. It isn't healthy for me, and it certainly doesn't make people want to spend time around me.

I guess I just have to keep going through the motions while being open to new experiences.

I hope all of you have a wonderful December and a happy Christmas season.