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The other night, My Lady and I were talking about a guy I work with (let's go with Beetlejuice) and some things hes been saying about majik. Now, not only does Beetlejuice remind us of my most recent and super toxic ex not only in looks, but also in the arrogance of his abilities.
Beetlejuice is almost worse, and while I don't fully believe what hes saying, I do believe that he does. And that's whats disconcerting. He looks at the gods as pawns almost. I can't really explain it right. He looks down his nose?
I don't know how to explain it, but that's not the point. The point is, My Lady does not like him and I do not blame her. I find him entertaining. Hes a good distraction to have at work. But it got us on the subject of how Majik is experienced differently by everyone.
I don't know if it's this way for anyone else with/out AD(H)D, but if I don't think about it and just do it, my Majik is great... But the moment I put actual thought into a Cast, something in my brain starts screaming that I'm a fraud, that I'm a liar and faking everything.
People say that they can see their majik, or sense someone else's and my brain doesn't work like that. In my head, and I cannot shake this for the life of me, if I cant see it, it doesn't exist.
No body? Not dead.
Not real.
It makes Majik difficult. But I'm good at it???? Its confusing and upsetting.
My Lady said, that's where the Faith part of it comes in but it hard when your own brain is telling you its all a lie.
Any one else??
I don't know. Sorry.
G'Nite
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Sage
I relate to this so much! It's literally why I resisted doing any kind of magick for so long. It is part of my faith and how I view the universe, but it also felt almost... silly? idk.. It's hard to explain. I think giving in completely to faith is really hard for some people. Our brains want to challenge what we can't see and it doesn't help that most of the world criticizes those that believe in magick too. Its almost like an internal bias.