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12.02.22
>>>mood: anxious, depressed, tired. (ah, the holy trinity)
>>>music: African Lofi Yellow Mix (should be playing if the auto play works here)
Andddd... i decided to not do early action.
idk. i hope i didnt just fuck up.
reasoning:i didn't have my essay done. it wasn't good by my standards and i also didnt have it proofread by my teacher yet. also i feel any benefit from early action wouldn't be comparable to having a strong essay. also it says my counselor didn't submit her letter of rec yet even though i talked to her today ab it -__-; also i didnt know wtf CSS was and just realized some colleges needed it along w FAFSA (ok can i mention how fucking dumb the fafsa website is) (ALSO THE CSS IS THROUGH COLLEGE BOARD ?? I FUCKING HATE THEIR WEBSITE SO FUCKING MUCH ong. their entire web development team is made up of 3 newly grads and a single $5 bill.)also i talked to my counselor earlier and she said that early action would have a minimal affect on my application.. and i also talked to my smart friend whos like, applying to st andrews in scotland and vassar and colgate and shit and she said she was doing normal decision which gives me more confidence ^m^ .
and i really wanna get into my top 3, like i really like those colleges and dont wanna have to go anywhere else, and i am really anxious about my applications, and yes i wanted to do early action just because i wanted any boost i could get . but . i also dont want to submit an application im not 100% happy w and not get accepted bc of it. also i double checked and all of the scholarships tied to the schools are either decided on seeing your application (regardless of early decision (?) i am assuming) or they have their separate applications due in Feb. so. yay.
damn this is really stressing me out though. i'm like, 85% sure i made the better choice to go regular, but idk ahhhhhh. the thing i'm dreading most is telling my father bc he was very adamant about me getting my applications in early, and AHHH its so stressful dealing with him. FUCK. but at the end of the day its my decision. i wasn't 100% happy with my application and i would rather take more time to finish it than receive notice if i got in or not earlier or get a benefit for submitting early.
ugh. this last month -- last several mmonths (ok literally the start of this year) has been so stressful. but especially recently. i've missed so much school with my leg and there was just no way i would have been able to get everything ready for early action. i did everything i could within the limits of my mental/physical health and yeah. i don't feel that bad about my decision, i just dont want to have to explain it to the jefe.
like my mom ? perfect. i tell her i dont think i'll be able to submit, i give my reasons, she goes "cool. *thumbs up*" no drama. no "but i thought you said it was done? its bc of that damn phone/videogames/fucking whatever he pulls out of his ass.. like yes im so sorry jefe for having a life. i'm so sorry for wanting to do things outside of schoolwork (WHICH I HAVE A MOUNTAIN OF BTW LIKE HELLO) i'm so sorry i'm not a fucking robot who can just crank out grades and applications like you think i can.
like i dont fucking.. i'm a good student, ok? i've taken 2 AP englishes AP euro AP US sophmore and junior and i'm taking AP Sem and AP latin this year, ok? I'm taking math and physics and i'm doing well, ok? like for all intents and purposes, my grades are sufficient for my goals and priorities. i'm perfectly fine w where i'm at. so why can't i just make my own goddamn decisions? without needing the jefe stamp of approval for everything?? god i'm so glad they're divorced now because if they weren't he probably would make me cancel with Ash after this. like i need to be punished for making a sensible decision. it just fucking sucks.i'm so tired. i just wanna get out of here and go somewhere far away. i wanna go to college solely for studying abroad every single semester so i never have to see my family lmao.
>>>on a happier note...
didn't realize you could just plop some css into the blog code. sweet.
also been reading some puzzleshipping fics i actually really dig that concept of having a romantic relationship with someone who you can kinda read the mind of, and yeah puzzleshipping is basically the most literal way of interpreting that kind of relationship.idk i think a lot of fic authors make their characters too apathetic? like yes they'll passionately make out or whatever the fuck , but like, doing something for the SO unprompted? being in tune with their emotions and needs? i feel they struggle w dat lol. even w puzzleshipping, where the characters have literally shared a mind n know they're thought processes better than anyone, i've still seen it be like, idfk not intuitive.. bruh. "hm, they've had a rough day, I know! let me do jack and let them deal. rofl." fuck off. go make me a sandwich bitch.like the only bitches who get it like, write forbidden romance so its like yes the characters are intune with eachother, no they never get to the point of what your looking for bc their relationship is a secret / they both die
>>>on a more meh note...
literally fuck Bunny. idgaf just fuck Bunny.
did she do smth to outright wrong me? no. is she nice to me? yes. is she playing me? yes. yes she's fucking playing. i dont get the point of being friends w her for over 6 years now atp when she treats me like we just met last month or smth. like fuck! it makes me mad! girl this is our last year together youd think this is the time if any she would actually give me the time of day but hell fucking no. no Bunny is too busy putting a stick up her ass to follow up on your hang out time together EVEN THOUGH YOU PLANNED IT WEEKS IN ADVANCE. NO. BUNNY IS GOING TO ACT SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU and then fucking cancel. every time. for no fucking reason. like girl, i know you. i know you dont have any other lasting friendships besides me and the group and i also know you havent been hanging out with any of them.
it would be one thing if she just fucking, said like "hey! I dont really want to be friends!" ok whatever. or if she just did something bad enough that i can cut her off! but she doesnt! and then whenever i see her we have good conversations and she acts like she likes me and it makes me want to rekindle the friendship! but its never happening! its never happening!! but i keep forgetting that and she lulls me in every time.
my friendship with her has always been weird ? i was always the one begging her to hang out and inviting her places. during covid i was showing up at her place uninvited n talking through her window n shit bc i knew she wouldnt invite me over bc her gramma so like, ok. she liked it, ik she did, im not a dumbass, we had fun. or one time i went over and we sat on her bed and played video games and it was great! it was so chill and nice and it had me thinking "ok, bunny is the type thats dedicated to school and takes some effort to get to be better friends with, but once you are friends its great!" but uhm. no. i guess i under estimated just how devoted to school she is or scratch that, how dedicated to not seeing her friends she is.
you can be smart and have friends. hello. the "my smart friend" i was talking about earlier has time for her studying and all her extra curriculars and on top of that has time for her friends. vs Bunny who is a great student too and does her viola but doesnt have time for friends apparently? like, at all? "wow she must be just.. really busy" lmao
NO. I AM BUSY. I HAVE TIME FOR FRIENDS. like i am NOT talking about hanging out every single day. Q and i have a couple classes together and see eachother outside school occasionally and yk what ? thats fine! our friendship is still strong, we text everyday, its great. Ash i dont have any classes w, ok, to compensate we're meeting up and getting dinner. great. Kat i have class w and my smart friend i have class w. which just leaves Bunny. but bunny wont fucking budge.my point is, if she wanted to salvage the friendship she would make an effort. but she doesnt. she doesnt even fucking text me on her own, i always have to.
but idk its just so insulting that we made plans in advance over our break for memorial day or whatever tf the one in september is, and then day of, like, an hour before, sends a fucking meme picture of Ant Man with "Cantman Mom Said No" over top like come the fuck on. what are you 5? sorry mommy said i have to cancel every single time you try to fit into my schedule. sorry mommy told me to act excited about seeing you picking a place to go and tell you i'm free all weekend just for me to cancel on you, and then tell you i'm busy everyday even though i literally just said i would be free all that weekend.{" fuck off.
and i hate myself bc i literally still bought a birthday gift for this bitch for no fucking reason. such a waste of money. her bday is today and i didnt text her happy bday so fuck you.
damn this was long as fuck.
>>>signing off.
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miku.exe
too fucking long :/ maybe try never typing again bozo.