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(Dumpweed)
“WOW!! I’m fucking in the moooddddd! To partyyyy” - Tom
“Alrighttttttt!” - Mark
“Well fucking alright!!” - Tom
“Hey, know what we’re gonna do tonight? A whoolleeeee lotta fucking” - Tom
“We’re all gonna get laid!” - Mark
“This song’s about my herpes, it’s called don’t leave me” - Mark
(Don’t Leave Me)
“You will be fine you fucking asshole, WOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!” - Tom
“BURPPPPPPP excuse me!” - Tom
“Thank you” - mark
“Hey Mark! We have a very special person here that wants to say hi! Guys this is Satan”
“Hello kids, if you guys will take off your pants, maybe I will be a little bit more healthy, I wanna have fun with you but I’m gonna have to see your dick. Oral. I have to go away now, cuz there’s another song, and I’ve got a boner, you guys mind if I get a boner kids?”
(Aliens Exist)
“Tom has sex with guyssss” - Mark
“Hey mark!” - Tom
“Who here thinks I look very similar to Tom Cruise?” - Tom
“Thank you” - Tom
“Yeah” - Mark
“I think so too” - Tom
“Like Tom Cruise in that movie born on the 4th of July, that one? Where he’s handicapped, and re****ed, and stupid, and nobody likes him, and he just shits all over himself, and he’s a fucking asshole” - Mark
“Hey! That was mean” - Tom
“That’s right!” - Mark
“Never attack somebody that shits on himself” - Tom
“You guys think it’s weird to shit your pants when your sleeping? not that I do it, but I did it last night, and I haven’t taken a shower since, and I’m wondering if that’s what smells” - Tom
“Ooh ha ha ha poopy, poo poo caca, ha ha” - Mark
“Hey, Anna wrote this next song, wanna hear it? - Mark
“You don’t have a choice!” - Tom
“It goes like this” - Mark
(Family Reunion)
“Thank you, thank you so very very much” - Mark
“Hey, this next song is about falling in love” - Mark
“What’s it about?” - Tom
“I don’t know” - Mark
“This song is about love! Let’s give it up for love!” - Mark
“I’ll tell you what I love!” - Tom
“You know what the best part of falling in love is? - Mark
“Sex?” - Tom
“It’s the oral sex, that’s right” - Mark
“The pleasure” - Tom
(Going Away To College)
“TO TRAVIS!!” - Mark
“Hey Mark!” - Tom
“Hey! If you guys are anything like me, you like to dress up in your mother’s underwear and walk around the house trying to seduce your father” - Mark
“What, just me?” - Mark
“I’m like you, I try to seduce your dad” - Tom
“Remember- remember that one time when I walked over to your house, and your brother with the peanut butter smeared on his wiener and he’s all “come here boy, come here boy, come on, who likes the skippy? Who likes the skippy peanut butter???” - Mark
“This song is really hard to play, I would appreciate if you don’t listen to me for the next two and a half minutes, alright?” - Tom
“SHUT THE FUCK UP” - Tom
(What’s My Age Again?)
“WHERE IS MY ASIAN FRIEND?” - Mark
“Fuck yeahhh!!” - Mark
“Hey Mark!” - Tom
“I’m starting to get sweaty” - Tom
“And contrary to what most people think, I think I look better wet, i’ve been Compaining this for about two years now, so throughout the show you will be singing me be getting sexier and sexier as it gets hotter and hotter, y’know?” - Tom
“And-“ - Mark
“And what?” - Tom
“And if you watch close enough you might watch Tom getting fatter and fatter as the show goes on too!” - Mark
“Why would I be getting fffatter?!?” - Tom
“Cuz-“ - Mark
“BOOOBIEEESSSS” - Tom
“Oh, haha, Jesus, stop it, no” - Mark
“Bet your too young” - Tom
“Your way too young” - Mark
“Let me tell you why your gonna get fatter and fatter, because, dog semen is full of calories” - Mark
“Yeah, don’t eat dog semen, we hear that there’s uhh.. it’s the number one cause of bad breath!” - Tom
“Hey, this song is about when I had to much alcohol and beverages and got kicked out of high school, wrote a song about it, and here it goes like this” - Tom
“Here-here it goes!” - Mark
(Dick Lips)
“Hey, uh, Mark!” - Tom
“What!? What the fuck do you want Tom?!? I’m sick of “hey Mark, hey, hey mark, hey mark, hey, look at this, look at how I can make it bigger if I rub it, look at this, hey mark come here!” - Mark
“No, seriously, mark, hey, hey mark” - Tom
“I wasn’t really masturbating, I’ve never done that, I was inspecting my testicals, for weird books” - Tom
“That’s what you say, that’s what you say, if your parents ever catch you, “I wasn’t masturbating I was cleaning it and it went off!” - Mark
“You guys wanna hear a song that I wrote about four days ago? You really don’t have a choice, you might as well be into it” - Tom
“Yeah, you might as well act like you wanna hear it, cuz otherwise we’ll play it twice” - Mark
“Yeah, you bastards” - Tom
“The song goes like this!” - Tom
(Blow job)
(Untitled)
“Oh, that song’s done, we’re done with that song now! You guys can rest” - Tom
“Satan has something to say” - Mark
“Are you guys having a good time tonight?” - Satan
“I’m having a hodidilydoo of a good time tonight” - Satan
“I like poetry, and flowers, and pictures of unicorns! - Satan
“Thousands of naked children were mastered by a greater” - Satan
“Wait- what are some of the things that Satan loves?” - Tom
“Satan loves unicorns, pictures, poetry, and long walks in the beach” - Satan
“Hey! Pay attention you fu- BOOOOBBIIEEESSSS!” - Tom
(Voyeur)
“Hang on, hang on” - Mark
“Hey uhh, the song is not quite over yet but uhh-“ - Mark
“The song isn’t done” - Tom
“We have to prepare for the bass guitar solo” - Tom
“How ya doing?” - Tom
“I need oxygen to the stage please- oxygen and oral sex to the stage please” - Mark
“And maybe some of those male chromosomes to the stage” - Tom
“Here’s where I do the big bass solo people” - Mark
“Give it up for me!” - Mark
“Shhhh here it comes” - Tom
(Big Bass Solo of Voyeur)
“I want all you kids to know, that I’m gonna think of each and everyone of you when I’m all alone at the side of my book, starting with you, I’m starting with you” - Tom
“Hey, this next song is for anyone that knew us before enema of the state, and it goes like this” - Mark
(Pathetic)
“Hey you guys know-“ - Tom
“Hey you guys having fun?” - Mark
“We’re professionals!” - Tom
“You might not have noticed that but we are professionals at what we do” - Tom
We just professionally suck, and professionally act like a bunch of assholes on stage, that’s what we do, we’re just as god made us” - Tom
“Hey! You better wipe that shit eating grin on your face cuz this next one’s a sad one! And uhhhh, more importantly than that if your eating shit and grinning than today’s probably not your day anyway so, whatever” - Mark
(Adam’s Song)
“Thanks a lot” - Mark
“I want you all to say “FUCK” with me, 1..2..3!” - Tom
“FUCK” - Crowd
“Fuck with me”? Why?” - Mark
“Well not really- you don’t say the with me part, just- just the “fuck” part” - Tom
“Oh okay” - Mark
“Let’s try that one more time” - Tom
“He just wants you to say “fuck” but he wants you to say it with him” - Mark
“Okay try again, Tom” - Mark
“Do I count to 3 and then say it? How do we do this?” - Tom
“It goes, 1..2..3..fuck” - Mark
“Okay” - Tom
“Okay cool” - Mark
“1..2..3..!”
“FUCK” - Crowd
“Alright, that was better” - Tom
“Here we go!” - Mark
“This song is called Peggy Sue, it goes like this” - Mark
(Peggy Sue)
“I choose to blame my parents for giving me a small, bent wiener, and an ugly face” - Tom
“Hey do you guys- you know what I noticed mark?” - Tom
“Yes I do” - Mark
“You know what I noticed?” - Tom
“Yes” - Mark
“I noticed that throughout the many years of me playing with my own wiener it bends to the wrong side, I think I pulled it too far to the something- the right” - Tom
“Do you guys care?” - Tom
“There’s something seriously wrong with my dick, kids, and I need your sympathy” - Tom
(Wendy Clear)
“Wish it didn’t have to be so badddddd” - Tom
“You guys wanna hear from Satan again?” - Tom
“Well hello kids, are you enjoying the show so far?” - Satan
“Chances are you’re all gonna get laid tonight, I wanna sleep with every single person here, starting with the- starting with the- sorry kids, I’m not very funny anymore, I’m going off” - Satan
“Wait, what if we did something like this?” - Tom
“Hey Satan” - Tom
“Yes Tom?” - Satan
“I’m just wondering if I’m gonna get laid tonight” - Tom
“Well, no you’re not Tom” - Satan
“Why not? - Tom
“Because your dick is small, dark, and ugly” - Satan
“Alright” - Tom
“AM I FUNNY OR WHAT???” - Tom
Silence
“Hey I wanna tell you how it’s gonna work for the rest of the show here, we’re gonna say that this is our last song and then we’re gonna walk off the stage, but really we’re not even done yet, we’re gonna come back out and play two more songs even after that, so, that’s how it works, you know how it works, you go and you see a band play, they walk off stage “thanks a lot, good night!” And you know those motherfuckers are gonna come back out play two more songs anyway so, you know what, at least we’re straight about it” - Mark
“They call it an encore” - Tom
“Yeah it’s an encore” - Mark
“Encore, say it with us kids, encoreee” - Tom
(Carousel)
“Thanks a lot you guys!” Mark
“Hey my name is Satan, thanks a lot for coming on down to the show tonight, I hope you all had a great time, I know I did! Those guys sure put on a kick ass show! Hope to see you all at the after show party, I’m gonna start sucking dicks and squeezing titties, maybe I can put my PP in your mouth, I love it when the kids come over and they suck my PP tenderly and gently, I like it when kids sit on my lap and talk about unicorns, and flowers, and things like that, maybe I’ll even fuck their blood, see you later!” - Satan
“Hey how you guys doing up in the back?” - Mark
“Now from the top balcony can I get an amen?” - Mark
“Now from the floor can I get a hallelujah?” - Mark
“Now from all these other assholes can I get an ohhh yeahhh?” - Mark
(All The Small Things)
“Hi, we’re back just like I said we’d be back” - Mark
“You can leave now and beat the traffic” - Mark
“Or beat your meat” - Tom
“Or you could stick around and beat your meat, I like that, I think I’m gonna say that every night from now on, you can leave and beat the traffic, or you can stick around and beat your meat!” - Mark
“I have a few words to say about beating your meat, uhhh I just heard you guys talking about masturbation so I thought I would show up, I don’t think I’m that wanted here, so I’m gonna take off, see you guys later” - Satan
“It’s my present to you people, we’re gonna stop talking now and play a song, thank you” - mark
“Surprise!” Tom
(Mutt)
“Take off your pants” - Satan
“We really love each other, we are the best of friends” - Tom
“Fuck, mark, Travis, you guys mean a lot to me, man, y’know what I mean?” - Tom
“You need some ointment” - Tom
“Hey I think every single pharmaceutical drug should be in ointment form, and it can only go on your balls, y’know? Like if you have a cold you gotta rub ointment on your balls” - Tom
“Uh oh” - Tom
“Uh oh” - Tom
“Oh shit” - Tom
“Ohhh fuck, I’m gonna start dancing” - Tom
(The Country Song)
“Shut your fucking face, uncle fuckerrrr” - Mark
“Take your pants off!” - Tom
(Dammit)
“Alright!!” - Mark
“Thanks a lot you guys!! Wooo!” - Mark
“We’ll see you next time motherfuckers!!” - Mark
“Tom has no dick! No dick at all, people!! Thanks a lot, and goodnight!!” - Mark
(Man Overboard)
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