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vent - being ok with being alone

i've realized recently that i surrounded myself with "friends" who (although not bad people in general) don't care about me nearly as much as i do about them. which is fine. understandable. they never signed a friendship contract. i know i expect too much sometimes. on the other hand, is it too much to expect a check in now and again? an invitation for lunch or a movie? 

either way, i also realized why this affects me sm. people around me seem unbothered by being somewhat lonely or having to focus on themselves. i think i'm physically incapable of being alone. my mind goes to really dark places thanks to my depression. and i figured out why, like i said. 

it's so dumb but it all tracks back to being bullied and isolated as a child. i also had trouble holding on to friendships. i was labeled as a little odd, and clingy. but i was just a mentally ill, terminally misunderstood queer baby. i was simply searching for community, and i couldn't find it anywhere in my conservative community. and because people would eventually pull away, i developed serious abandonment issues. ones i have never confronted or really resolved. they permeate my current relationships, romantic and platonic. 

it is so frustrating because if a friend hasn't reached out in a minute i don't even consider they may be going through something. my first thought is "they hate me" or "how could they forget about me?". i'm obviously being unfair but its just another practice of sh on my part. i constantly think the worst of myself and other people.

so i've been trying to be ok with being alone. i put some distance between myself and friends, but it has slowly become an issue, as i've noticed my mental health severely decline. 

does anyone have any advice? sry for venting sm, i just have no one else who will listen.

not my usual content here but i felt like i needed a moment to be genuine. 

thanks for reading <3

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