venting

im so fucking depressed it never gets better i never feel better its just a cycle of feel good, feel bad, feel good, feel bad. i never get to be truly happy. its all my fault im like this too which hurts more. i hate my life i hate my face i hate my body i hate who ive turned out to be and i can never be good. not enough just not good at all. i had so much potential and i threw it all out . im a horrible person and i dont even realize it and. recently people have been telling me how manipulative i can be, how horribly awful i am and. i decided it would be best to cut my best friends off so i wouldnt hurt them. i guess i miss them but i feel worse because i know theres a high chance ive already hurt them, the damage has already been done and ive ruined things with almost everyone in my life. i honestly just dont know what to do. theres some friends coming over tomorrow but. im so depressed and lazy i cant even gather the courage to yk myself of anything. i want help and i need help but i also just want to be normal for once. i want to be normal i wanna know what its like to be normal and not scared and alone all of the time. i feel like a lost dog. it doesnt ever fucking get better im gonna grow up and be even more depressed ill be sick and depressed and nothing will ever be enough. people will always call me ugly and annoying and tiring to be around. im always too much. and i know im venting on a stupid public platform and none of you know me and just. ill never know how to fix this. i dont know how to be good. ive tried turning to god, ive tried finding therapists ive tried yoga and mindfulness it never fucking works and i always end up failing. i dont know what to do with my life anymore and im just. so. fucking. tired. i'd bet that if i did die and be reborn id be reborn as someone worse and uglier but maybe if i am reborn ill learn to be good. i want to cut off everyone else from my life as if cutting off 8 of them at oncewasnt enough. its never enough i want to isolate myself so badly i forget how to act. ijust fucking!!!!!!!!! dont know what to do!!! i hate my life and i miss everyone and i think i need to cut everyone off and delete all of my social media and just disappear forever. i hate my fucking life why cant i be normal please someone just explain to me why i cant be normal why didnt i get to be a normal kid