its been so long since my last blog, srry abt that

and so much stuff happened, i had to take some time for myself; n i did, but i didnt feel better like i usually do, because after losing all my friends over miscommunication i feel unbearably alone, and it hurts so much that they have been pretending to be my friends for the last few weeks because they would feel bad if they told me that they didnt want to talk to me anymore.

 So they let me believe that they werent bothered with the way i talk and act (which i am willing to do better but i need to be told where i did wrong first) and make me hit the ground hard when one of them blew up on me and told me everyone was sick of me.

 no one reached for me when i isolated myself and no one was there to help me while i relapsed into old habits of self destruction, no one did for me what i was willing to do (and did, many times) for them. no one tried to talk to me to figure out what was wrong and help me do better. they just excluded me from their group and left me completely alone, not giving me a single "hey, heres y and if you want to talk we can still try".

 am i being selfish for expecting people to do this even when im not being a good friend? should i not expect people to try to overcome problems talking to me and telling me where i did wrong? because how am i supposed to know how can i do better when i dont know what am i doing wrong in the first place :( if they told me i was being a bad friend earlier i would tell them why i thought i was doing fine, and try to do better. i just dont understand why no one tried to talk to me when i thought we were friends, isnt this what friends are supposed to do?