I'm just gonna leave this here..

For this past week, I've basically been sick in bed isolated from the bit of joy I get out of life. And I know I sound so stupid saying this. Why does sitting at a computer talking to mostly faceless people bring me so much serotonin? Is it normal to get so excited when a regular viewer shows up? Or even more excited when someone new decides to give me a chance and clicks a silly follow button? It's not like I'm big or better yet, have much to give to the community. But maybe it's the fact that these people could be doing literally anything with their day/night but they decided to pull up my stream and hang out? 

It's that time of year when the seasonal depression hits hard, especially with the holidays and I guess it has me thinking more than ever. I'm an open book, always have been so if this is oversharing or just plain out weird for a blog on here then my bad aha... But growing up here I struggled to make friends and struggled even more to keep them around. I know the internet can be such a shit place filled with so much hate but there's also something quite beautiful about it all. What are the odds that these random people on the internet from all over the world would cross paths with you and stick around? I feel as though I'm getting a bit sidetracked and I hate how my brain has to overprocess things sometimes but like, why is it that these people can so easily fill in the missing holes? 

Around the time my family basically crumbled into pieces I started using the internet more and found some really lovely people. Sure some people may have disappeared since then but there's always been a few that have stuck it out, even when I basically quit the internet due to a very unhealthy relationship. The minute I was free and came back online it was as if I never left? No judgment or harsh feelings. Just love. 

Earlier this year I decided to make a comeback. To stream more days in a single year than I ever had before and honestly it's been rough. But seeing bits of improvement gives me the motivation to keep at it. To keep going even when I feel like I can't breathe. My goal or dream isn't to become the very best at what I do, but if I can make someone's day just a little bit better then maybe it will make me feel like I have more of a purpose. And all I can hope is that I continue to grow as a person.

If anyone needs a bit of motivation to keep chasing after their dreams, do it. Don't miss the opportunity to make a difference in the world with your art or passion. Too many people have told me they have given up on the one thing that used to bring so much joy and it hurts to hear... If you think that no one cares, I care. If you think it's too late, it's not.

I believe in you. <3