!! !!CONTENT WARNING!! !!

Laetificus

"The cool air

Takes me back

Just for a moment

And I spend it all without realization

I have to go back

I have to go back"

I returned to the house only once after I had left it all those years ago. At some point it had become abandoned, and weeds grew along the side of the driveway where cars used to park. The windows were boarded up, and the grass was overgrown. There was no sign of anyone living inside, nor did I expect there to be.

I entered through the basement window and made my way upstairs. The furniture remained exactly where it had been when I last saw it all those years ago. I walked past the bedroom where my sister once slept, and continued on to the room next door. The door was cracked slightly, and sunlight shone through it. I pushed it open and stepped inside.

The bed was neatly made, and everything seemed to be in its proper place. But the air smelled different than it did before. It felt colder somehow, and there was an eerie silence throughout the room that hadn't been there before. I looked around, trying to find the source of the strange feeling creeping up on me. Then I noticed it. A small picture frame sitting atop the dresser. I picked it up and turned it toward me.

It was a picture of me and my sister standing together outside our house, smiling for the camera. She was so young at the time, so innocent. My sister had her arm wrapped around my shoulder, and I held one of her hands in mine. We were holding each other close, laughing at something we'd just said or done. It was such a happy moment, and yet now it felt so distant. She was younger then me by 6 years.

I closed my eyes and tried to remember what she sounded like when she laughed. What her laugh sounded like. How she would smile at me whenever she wanted something. But these memories were fading away, slowly becoming more and more difficult to recall. I opened my eyes again and gazed upon the picture once more.

"Why did I leave?"

I stared at the window I had exited through that night so long ago. Why didn't I stay? Why did I run away instead? I thought back to the days leading up to that fateful night- how much I loved my sister, how much she meant to me. I tried to remember the warmth of her embrace, the sound of her laughter echoing off of the walls of our home. And most importantly, I remembered her smile.

Then, I remembered my parents.

My father's face filled my mind as he glared down at me from his seat behind the desk in his office. Always silent, always judging. He never took a liking to me. Never showed me any affection or compassion. His cold gaze pierced right through me, making me feel as though he could see straight through to my soul.

I always wondered why he bothered even having children if he wasn't going to love them. If he was going to treat us like this. Why bother raising a child when you're not willing to show him any kindness? When you're not willing to give them anything but hate?

And then there was my mother...

Alcohol has a way of numbing your senses, dulling your emotions and thoughts. It can make you forget about everything else in life except for the bottle itself. That's what happened with my mother. She drank herself into oblivion every single day. She drowned her sorrows in alcohol, drowning her guilt in liquor until she couldn't remember how many times she had already fallen down that same hole.

She took her life when I was 13. I was the one who found her body. Her skin was pale and bloated, her mouth wide open and gurgling out blood as it spilled onto the floor beneath her head. She lay on her side with her legs splayed out in front of her.

That is why I left. It all became too much. I hated myself for being born, and I hated everyone around me for existing. I wished I had died along with her, rather than live another day knowing that I was nothing but a burden to those around me.

And now, I had returned to the house that had taken everything from me. I stood there gazing at the picture frame in my hand, wondering whether it would bring me any comfort to hold it once more. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not remember what my sister sounded like when she laughed.

I stared at the edge of the window sill. I placed the frame back down gently, and then sat down against the wall beside it. My breathing grew heavy as tears began streaming down my cheeks. I cried for the first time in years, and I let out a loud wail as I clutched my knees tightly to my chest.

I don't know how long I stayed there crying. Time passed as I sat there alone, feeling sorry for myself. The sun set outside, and darkness crept in through the window.

I found myself standing on the balcony of my former home. The cool air caressed my face as I looked out over the city below me. It was dark and quiet, save for the sounds of cars passing by far in the distance.

My feet were guided towards the end of the balcony, hands gripping the guardrail as my approach reached it's end. Carefully, I hoisted myself onto the rail, toes precariously hanging off the edge as I gained my balance on the thin piece of wood.

I closed my eyes. The world around me became white, calm, like nothing existed. It was just me, alone with myself.

I opened my eyes and looked forward.

"L'appel du vide."

I stepped off the balcony's edge. My face was forward as I fell straight towards the pavement below. The wind rushed past me, whistling loudly as it blew against my ears. It felt as though someone was screaming at me, trying to warn me of something terrible that was about to happen. But I ignored their pleas, continuing to fall toward the ground below. My mouth was open as I laughed and laughed, letting out a deafening roar as I plummeted toward the earth. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I fell faster and faster.

I twisted my body, aligning myself with the stars in the night sky.

"This is my favorite part"

Suspended close to the earth yet still so very far. So high above the clouds where only the gods dare tread.

I reached out my hands and stretched them outwards, grasping the heavens in my palms. I pulled them closer, bringing them within reach of my fingertips. Then I brought them up to my lips and kissed them softly. Their cold touch sent shivers coursing through my body. They were cold and lifeless, but they still possessed a warmth that made them beautiful nonetheless.

"Once we touch the ground we forget who we are"

And in an instant,

I forgot everything.