Thoughts

Just posting an update since I haven't written a blog post since I joined. I'm still alive, stumbling through life without a real purpose. I have to start applying to PhD programs soon. I don't know if I really want to, but I desperately don't want a generic office job, so I guess I have no other choice. Still cutting myself on and off. I went up from 5mg of my medication to 20mg, and I'm not crying all the time anymore, but I'm not happy either. It also makes me super tired which is really really annoying - I have the urge to just nap in the middle of the day instead of doing the things I need to get done. The one bright spot is that I actually am OK with my current job, it's easy and I'm good at it and I only work 8 hours a week.

I just look at the way my mom, for example, spends her days off, and it's utterly baffling to me. People always act like being an adult with a full-time job is so serious and hard, but once she clocks out of work at the end of the day, she has literally NO obligations. She just has free time! To waste away with whatever random shit she wants! She doesn't have constant homework or readings or organizations demanding things of her at all hours of the day like I do. I always thought adults were people who had found their purpose in life, but now I'm realizing that probably 75% of people HAVE no purpose. They just do shit, aimlessly, forever, until they die. How the fuck can somebody live like that?

I get satisfaction from checking things off a list, even if it's something as simple as watching a YouTuber's entire back catalog or listening to an album I've really wanted to hear. Because of that, it drives me crazy with stress when the list is never-ending. I feel like life is just an infinitely long list of obligations and I will never get to the bottom of them.

At least music is the one thing that can always distract me from the endless consuming emptiness and worthlessness of life. So here's three of the most recent albums I've listened to:

Maxident by Stray Kids - 6/10 It was interesting, but most tracks didn't fully click with me. I will probably have to listen again for a more in-depth score; with this type of noisy pop music, it takes some time to assess whether the songs are cohesive or not. Taste and Can't Stop were definitely my favorites.

Graves by Purity Ring - 7/10 Not as good as Another Eternity, but Purity Ring can really do no wrong. Unlucky immediately stuck with me.

Beatopia by Beabadoobee - 6/10 After the indie rock catharsis of Fake It Flowers, I found this album too soft and chill for my personal tastes. I vibed with Sunny Day and You're Here That's the Thing.