ed stuff

I want to start actively counting calories again after potion controlling and just abandoning it completely but I only feel shittier. I hate it because this eating disorder takes away so much time from me .... I have no energy to draw or study because all im thinking about is the numbers of the food im going to eat tomorrow. I know myself, I know that Im going to spiral deep into my ed again yet I cant do anything about it but sit back and watch.