19.Nov 2022 ♡ summary before a whirlwind of change

this feels way too personal, but reading my (private) old blogs from last year is crazy. I literally dropped out a few months after that. I was struggling then and I know it but now idrk wtf I'm doing either. What tf am I doing???? Literally nothing. I know for the life of me school was killing me and draining me of life but now I feel dull to compare to the me over half a year ago. I'm doing things the way the me last year said I wish I could have done, but I feel sheltered from any touch of humanity and a sense of time. 

I just thought of this concept that I heard from a youtube video. It said that making "being happy" your life goal is like the equivalent of trying to keep the sun in check. Like it will make you go blind and setting the goal itself to be happy is like staring straight at the sun, but if you have goals that are valuable to or or have this quest of finding things or living for things that fulfill you, that will bring happiness to you. The sun will be there and warm you up. It won't be a cold winter night outside forever. But sometimes it's hard because what you think would bring you fulfillment, you never know the exact cocktail of your happiness until you experience that world and make that world accessible to you, and some dreams are just simply expensive. Expensive in the sense of you would need to let go of everything that is comfortable kind of expensive. (Usually it's not to that full extreme though but in essence). And sometimes, in a state of not doing enough of what we want, or being in a cool enough environment where things are more accessible, sometimes it gets harder to access the mind the way you used in other phases of your life. But one of my dreams is to keep this part of my healthy and warm and vibrant. Please stay with me. And whatever it takes, dear universe, I want to do my best, so for whatever is best, so that I can contribute and help expand the universe with value, please guide me and nudge me and direct me towards the right direction. I'll of course be the one to take the steps forward, but please help me see, and to bring value. Just like you can guide me to the door, and I'll open the door. You bring me to the fountain (guidance), and I'll be the one to drink the water, I'll be the one to dive in and swim.