it is 17 november (huge tw for ed shit and sh shit)

i sit here. it is 2:48pm, aka 14:49 in normal terms (the minute went forward a minute.) i sit here listening to the hush sound, their second studio album, like vines i am dreaming of being in a band one day, and worrying about my abilities on guitar. see, i am a vocalist. who can not do guitar for the life of her. i saw a post from afis instagram about them performing in denver st the filmore auditorium tonight. like where panic performed their fabled live at denver concert. i see the singer holding a microphone with no guitar, i dream of that being me one day. all i want is to be in a band in real life, and maybe i’m close to thst??? idk . i- i sorta joined a band called “enablers anonymous” with my friend elaine. but we are in different states and idk how it will work out, i do not think she knows any instruments, but i do know that this is very important to him. i really do not want to let him down, but i might meet a person in two nights from now at an emo night scene concert thing i’m going to, and having a real life band would be much easier for me. i keep trying to do this thing but i just cannot. but i know. i know that i need this, i do know that i need to do this. (tw//ed,sh,self-distructive  behavoiurs from here on out) if i do not do this, i’ll probably end up killing myself, i already want to right now . i just. i don’t know how they did it. pete wentz and fall out boy, ryan ross and panic at the disco, william beckett and the academy is… how, just how do they do this?i just know that i wanna make it, you know. i wanna do something. and right now, my first small goal is to play somewhere live. maybe then after that i can release a single or something. idk. but i know that sitting on my ass and listening to decaydance bands all day won’t  do anything . i need to actually do something. and i neeex this. not want, need this for myself. my current smaller inspiration is tate logan, formerly of the band happy. now making his own solo music. he recently opened for anarbor which is really cool .  and maybe, just maybe, i can get there myself . but it’s just so hard to do that. i’m so lost here and now in life, hell i’m blogging on fucking spacehey,,,, but i just want some direction with this project, you know, i just wanna  make it some day, i think that that would be really cool and maybe it is meant for me. for now though, i just need to not kill my self. if i don’t kill my self by myself, my starving will possibly. today i ate very little and it’s sad i guess but what can you do, you know…. it’s just so sad. i’m self harming again and that’s not a good thing but it’s … well it sure as hell is a relief  from life, you know  … idk    i’m home now it’s just.  i.  i. feel so so much similarity to the angst in the album almost here by the academy is …