deadlines stress me out

[CW! KN1VES]

They really do. They stop me from making important decisions on time. They loom over me threateningly, with repercussions held like a sharp knife to my throat. 

I have a lot of important things to accomplish and choices to choose. Yet the second I think about this super important project or this top-priority meeting, my brain stops, paralyzed in its tracks, not able to move a single muscle or transmit a single chemical. It stares blankly at the time, hearing each arm tick away at seconds, hours, days, but not registering the urgency. Sirens could be blaring, red lights flashing as it's synching to the horrendous symphony of screams and shouts, but it wouldn't move. The sense of importance, of rush that the numbers represent meant nothing to me anymore. Back then I'd probably work myself to death just to not miss any submission dates, but now? I just look at it, acknowledging its prescence but ignoring its purpose.

Along with deadlines are making choices. Should I do X or Y for this? How should I potray my ideas? Is it better if I do it the X way or the Y way? Those also freak me out.

Close your eyes for a brief moment, and imagine for me, two buttons on a pad. One is blue and one is red. Say, for example, the blue one gives you a lot of happiness while the red one gives you productivity. Both are positive, right? Now, let's say, there's a million of those buttons. Each in a different color and with a different purpose. But you can only choose one. Doesn't your brain go overload trying to weigh out each option by its pros and cons? Do you not get frustrated on how this is better and that one isn't? The myriad of possibilities are endless. 

And that's what scares me. 

I can't see through what would happen if I had limited choices. I wouldn't be able to structure out my actions if I had a million other choices. I wouldn't be able to weigh out the benefits of one million choices. They all have their pros and cons, and all of those just overwhelm me. Why can I not just choose between one and two? What do you mean I have another billion numbers? How am I supposed to pick the best one out of them if it isn't simple like two choices?

All that's to say that deadlines scare me. That's all.