Sleepless Again

I find it hard to sleep at night… more like all the time. When I close my eyes I can feel my bed tilt and my heart drops as I begin to fall into the jaws of my crippling anxiety. When I finally do fall asleep my sleep is plagued with nightmares. I haven’t been well rested in years but I never mind it. 

I always just look straight, I never let myself look back because once you do you can’t un-see it. The only time I don’t have nightmares is when I’m sleeping in a room with someone. But it’s not because I feel safe with them. I say that because I’ve slept in many rooms with plenty of people that I definitely don’t trust. I think my nightmares are my subconscious coming out so even in my sleep my defenses are up. But hopefully there will come a day when I meet my Prince Charming and he can finally make me feel safe. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who it is that I’m looking for. What kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I think maybe it’s impossible. I think I’m looking for someone who could love me like how a mother loves a baby. They love them for simply existing. You’re not even anything yet and they still love you. Maybe it’s because they can feel their babies soul. That’s the part of them that they love. One day when I’ve finally finished traveling the road and I’ve finally repaired my soul maybe then I can love someone.