Entry 7

i feel sick and paranoid all the time over the smallest things but it just happens too often to be a coincidence anymore.

i recently "broke up" with my boyfriend because we were arguing far too much and he was leaving it all up to me to fix every time and i couldn't mentally handle it anymore. i also saw texts he sent to mutual friends while he was drunk telling them just how awful of a bf i am and that i apparently dont even care for him all cause i don't message him 24/7 despite me telling him i was going through a big move, depression, & constant working. but that didn't matter to him.

we're still friends, cause i do still want him around, and things were going perfect before we decided to put a label on our relationship. now that the labels gone, everything is alright again. it was only at its worse when we were dating,

but i noticed something recently about him that's happened many times before & after we were dating; anytime i make a new friend or invite someone new to my discord gaming server, hes quick to jump in and try to befriend them. if im already friends with said person, he tries to make a point to be better friends with them and shove it in my face. ive lost friends to him already cause hes apparently more likeable than me. people i didnt even get the chance to befriend become friends with him first and then they gang up on me to bully me in a "friendly way" because that's how he interacts with me so then they think it's okay. i feel like such a crybaby about it but i honestly hate it. i try twice as hard to make friends, and he does it effortlessly. he steals my friends and gets closer to them to the point they dont talk to me anymore. it's awful.

i should mention this is a long distance relationship, and these are all online friendships, so it shouldn't bother me too much but it just does. i hate feeling bad about it. i hate that he makes me feel bad when he used to make me so happy. we've been close for about 3 years now and suddenly things feel toxic. but i don't want to just let him go,

i dont know what to do.

im losing all my friends.