struggles

Doing this blog because I'm bored and my mind is thinking of a lot of things. So I don't know if people read my about me but I struggle with bipolar as long as I can remember. As a child I remember having times where i felt overwhelmed with my feelings, thoughts, and actions. Looking back on how I was as a child I was very loud seem hype sometimes and did things I shouldn't have done. I also remember having mixed feelings a lot and my thoughts would feel like it was being fast forward with millions of thoughts and me feeling scared at that moment. I never have felt normal with other people because of it and I struggle with making friends. I had a lot of issues I didn't sleep well I would fight with my parents to go to bed so I was up late and I would also wake up at times from nightmares. The home life situation wasn't good so there was more added on. When I was like 10 my parents got a divorce and I went to live with my mom and her mom which was horrible living situations. At age 11 my mom and grandma decided to take me to a psychiatrist and I was put on depression medication because they thought I was depressed when I was dealing with other things. I had social phobia cause by things so I hated going to school and being around a lot of people. The bipolar lows were me not wanting to get out of bed and not wanting to eat along with loss of interest. The highs of bipolar I would be very energetic and wanting to do a lot of things especially clean and organize didn't really sleep but they really didn't notice. I rather be in my room and alone from my grandma because she would always put me down and be mentally and emotionally abusive so I was rather be away from her. I would try to tell them how I was feeling but no one would listen. When I was in middle school things got worse with my bipolar and social phobia. I lost a lot of my friends I had a teacher always picking on me too so it was like hard on me. I did ended up dropping out from it. I was put into therapy and seeing a psychiatrist again and back on depression pills. That is when I gave up on trying everyone thought I was just acting like a spoil child but i wasn't. I eventually when back to school the next fall but a different school a smaller one that was just starting so it was ok for now. A year later I wasn't doing so good because of my grandma I was growing up and I found the internet so I made friends with people everything was feeling better it was easy to talk to people online then in person. I had a myspace it's was 2010 and I ended up finding a online boyfriend from a other state and my grandma didn't like things just ended up getting super hard for me. My grandma work with a cousin so she wasn't home my mom was mess up on pain pills. So I took care of her, my brother and my mom brother. I was trying to do school along with keeping the house clean with cooking and taking care of people. My grandma would tell me that I wasn't doing good enough always yelling at me and telling me horrible stuff. I felt so much pressure and I was done I thought about getting sleep pills and overdosing but I stop myself. I thought about my sister how she would feel and how my brother would feel. The next day I told my sister so she call the cops and I went to the mental hospital for a month and half it wasn't fun my grandma tried to keep me there which hurt and the drs still didn't care. I gave up again and all what happen was change in my medication. I know this is a lot of things I'm just being open. I do have a lot of traumas too so when I was 20 I finally was able to fight trying to figure out what was happening with my mind and why I was the way I am. I finally was told I had bipolar, severe pstd, anxiety, social phobia. Everything was feeling better but I started having issues with my anger and my medication wasn't fitting with me. I move around with psychiatrists until I was able to keep one which she put me on Lithium. I take it at night 600mg and since I have been taking it my mood swings are good even my anger along with everything else. I do sometimes have to go up in dose for a couple weeks because I feel my manic episodes act up but it ok. I do got a great support system with my sister and some family. My grandma not in my life anymore after something that happen to me but my mom is she got some issues still but she getting better. My dad was in prison 2 years after the divorce but did get out back in 2018 of September. Him and my mom are back together and living with each other so it like a weird new normal. I found out after all these years my grandma would tell my mom she can't do things without her and that why she left my dad but yeah that some of my struggles. I might make an other blog about more stuff. Thank you for reading this and hanging in I do feel awkward and like I don't make sense