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To be honest, a lot has happened this month, a lot of tears, anger, and fears. It was more of a wake-up call. A lot I think was my fault and a lot I think was anxiety. I know I have anxiety, I've always had it I think. Maybe it is time for me to do something about it. You know there have time times this year that my anxiety and depression have been coming in waves some strong that have knocked me off my feet like this month. Then there have been some times with unexplained calm and peace.
Sometimes anxiety has made me silent and frozen. I feel trapped in a prison of my own fear, unable to cry out for help.
Sometimes anxiety makes normal life feel overwhelming. Everything seems like it is too much. Going to school seems like it is too much, and going to work is too much. Working in a retail environment with constant drama, and people it is too much.
Sometimes anxiety makes me unable to handle (read) texts or messages from friends or even have open communication because if I do my mind will spin out of control. I think this is a reason why I can't seem to hold on and have friends because I feel like my anxiety is playing tricks on me and that everyone has this secret agenda against me when it is not true at all.
My anxiety causes me to feel physically ill, with headaches, stomach aches, and knots in my back and neck from stress.
Sometimes it feels like I am completely alone in a crowded room or store. No, I have not been to a doctor about any of these feelings, but I know I need to eventually.
I suppose you can say anxiety makes me feel things differently. Like I do things that are completely out of character because I was triggered. Another thing is that the worst thing that I did to myself was put myself in a position over and be triggered all over again. It is sad because I solemnly vowed to protect myself from it. I suppose it was foolish of me to think I could have friends and be liked. It was foolish to think I could really trust people and yet foolish foolishly and unknowingly gather the twists and the vines of my poison anxiety around my mind warping any clear thought I ever once had about friendship.
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Kuiperoid
Anxiety sucks. I have OCD, which falls under "anxiety disorders," so yeah, it's a struggle.
Rad_Plaid
If I'm down I'll hit the cycle, put on earbuds and play. "You Get What You Give" by New Radicals. Great go-to track
Rad_Plaid
Contrary to Philsopher Descart's view (I think therefore I am), you are not your thoughts, so don't give too much credit to negative thought loops that fly in. They come and go like an itch. I've heard someone mention thoughts are like airplanes flying over, don't give them a runway to land onto.
As someone in my 30's, I've noticed the increase in anxiety/depression overall with most people. I have a running theory that it's tied to all the time we spend on screens. This is especially increased after smart phones and most social media like FB etc. Push notifications keep us hooked onto our smart-devices and miss out on real life experience.
Real in person activities and quality communication/interaction with people are a huge bonus. I use the gym as a great emotional outlet. Logic is simple: go cycling, lift heavy thing...make sad head voice go away. Cardio triggers endorphins which help with mental clarity.
Being part of an in person community of some sort is huge too. That's missing in our culture and has been replaced by a poor substitute through the screens. Social media can never match the genuine connection of in-person activity and engagement. Could be something as simple as a board game night group.