Suicide is Painless, except to those of us left living

"Remember remember, the 5th of November", she whispered. I startled awake. Like clockwork every year the dreams would begin, swirling until the end of the year. Not that the 5th of November itself has any particular meaning other than the historical aspects, but rather the rhyme itself engages & activates the deepest fissures of my mind. Always in my childhood home, but then most of my dreams are. In my old living room, or sometimes the den, with the huge, old school projection TV we had. Sitting on my mother's floral love seat, watching that TV. Usually just the 2 of us, sometimes Jacob would drift through the room. Jacob, sometimes a toddler but more recent years he's grown & walking through telling me to suck it up. But always the thought in my head "Remember this Lauren, every single detail, every second...you only have through December before she's gone again".

This December 21st makes 14 years. Almost a decade & a half. I don't know why after so long it still phases me, still haunts me. I don't know why I didn't know.
But it's ok. It will always be ok. Because life goes on after we die..."it is what it is". I hate that expression. Like, "we're born, we live, we die. Oh well....". I want to be more than that. A Legacy.

Maybe that's why it still haunts me. The reminder of reality, what we do in our present to affect our future, even long after we're gone.

Maybe I'm too sensitive, deep thinking. Maybe I want more meaning in life, that it should always be something more than the banal, plastic surface. Like clear plastic wrap that won't stretch or stick like it should. I hate plastic wrap. It's awkward & doesn't really work. Only there to frustrate & suffocate. We deserve more....do we? Answers, explanations. Why do I have to know "whys" for everything? Why do I insist on understanding...EVERYTHING to keep going? This harrowing, desperate need to understand....everything. To sympathize? Empathize? Forgive? I hold grudges from childhood, I've always been able to do that. Once I understand I let them go, but then & ONLY then do I let my guard down.

Never let them see you sweat, more importantly never let them see you cry.

It's 75 degrees in November but a weird kind warm. The kind of warm that feels more like tornado season in the Spring.
Forward moving though, that's today.
After all, tomorrow...is another day.