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GOD I hate being trans

ill never be seen as a guy, i will never be seen for who i truely am and it sucks 

only my friends and people i know actually know none of my family know bc im too scared to actually tell them. 

im sick of being seen as a girl im just fucking sick of it, some of my closest friends who know dont call me my chosen name and dont use he him pronouns, i dont understand why they dont use the correct things. do they not see me as a boy?? will i always be a girl in their eyes

no matter how many times i correct them they still do it, one of them even asked of id be comfortable with them calling me arlo in public and i said yes i would be comfortable, yet they still dont use it. like its not inconvientent for them at all. 

what do i have to do to prove im a boy. my words should be enough. i hide my chest, i cut my hair short, i wear masculine clothes i try and deepen my voice, what else can i do. 

they dont understand the gut wrenching feelinf of trying to pass as a boy, they dont underdstand and dont know how it feels to stay up all night crying over it, crying over seeing myself in the mirror or even crying over just thinking abt it. im sick of having mental breakdowns over it. 

i have to hide who i am to fit in with the society i live in, they dont have to cower at even the thought of  being called my dead name in public or being called a female in public. 

i have to live with this gut wrenching feeling of never being enough, not them. 

so why cant they do the bare minimum of using he him or calling me arlo. 

i just hate it so fucking much,