"i will fear the night again"

i have this sinking feeling that everyone i've ever known and been close to in my life wants to push me away. my family doesn't want me around, maybe since we've been homeless and i've been at my friends place with my cat and they have motel hopped 8 times, that they've realised that not having me around is more peaceful and not debilitating and sad. i know i bring down the mood by 10 notches, carrying my demons on my weak spine everywhere i go like a compass, pointing me in opposite directions, leading me to hellfire. nobody seems to know what's under my skin, past the self made razor blade scars, and being left unknown like the ocean feels just as numbing as the drowning. drowning in a black sea, fiending for the crisp air above the surface, amongst all the stars. maybe when my soul finally leaves my corpse, i will be up there, basking in freedom, freedom i never had. but this ticking clock in my head seems to not get through to others, so to the people around me, i'm boring, depressing, lifeless and deadpan. sorry i don't fit into your box of normality, i can't even fit into my body. grown out of my frame and tearing at the seams. just let me be taken by myself. let me sink into that dark sea, i deserve it. i'm sorry i wasn't the child you wanted. i'm really, really sorry.