i just want a bed to sleep on... {update}

i've stayed at my friends place for 9 days, and i moved from sleeping on her floor to sleeping in a front room near her birds who are so fucking loud at 5 in the fucking morning. i feel like i did something to annoy her cuz she doesn't really talk to me much, i feel like a  rando living in there house :(. currently at the 8th motel my fam is staying at, some people got my fam a motel to stay in for two weeks for cheap and they are going there tomorrow but i'm not on the contract cuz "i have a cat" but i feel like they just don't want me around. they can't have visitors in that motel so i won't be able to see them. i'm sitting in a closet rn cuz my family hates me. life couldn't get any better than this/s i really want to die rn. the only thing i can do is blast tøp into my ears and hope no one hears me sobbing. i've tried staying hopeful but i cant feel anything anymore so what's the point? 

i have lost all hope on anything good happening. i keep finding notes plastered in public toilet stalls saying jesus loves you and i've collected them, ironically, i also found a heroin needle in the sharps bin in that same stall, so there's two types of people lol. i wish i could see my friends again, i miss school. i miss sleeping in a bed, i miss my own room where no one can hear me sing or cry, i miss not having panic attacks, i miss not being scared of being in my friends home cuz i feel like i'm burdening them, i miss not being scared to eat, i miss good sleep, i miss being able to avoid my problems. i miss living, cuz right now i'm just surviving. i fucking hate all of this.