Well. I'm screwed.

I haven't been doing well in maths the past couple of days. I don't know why as nothing really has changed subject wise; but I just can't do anything anymore. I spend the majority of the lesson just staring at some random object in the room (today it was the half empty hand sanitizer container) while my brain tries to ignore what the teacher is saying. Sometimes I end up falling asleep, sometimes I just frantically draw dots in my book that only has today's date and title on (I drew dots because the title was "D.O.T.S" which stands for something but I'm not sure what and google is just as oblivious.) Every time this happens the teacher types away at her computer and 3 minuets later someone from the department to keep student's sanity at school (not it's actual name, I don't know what it's called but it's like therapy.)

 Usually it's the blonde drama teacher that I can never remember the name to. Just a heads up: I'm amazing at wasting people's time. That entire conversation yesterday I was looking out the window, watching the rain hit a puddle. I didn't care when she said she was going to notify the rest of the department to keep student's sanity at school, but I did care when she said she'll notify my parents; as Mum will be all "oh you can tell me anything, what's on your mind?" while Dad's more like "just do it. do you think i liked walking across a valley to get to school every day?". Thankfully they mustn't have gotten the message as they both didn't mention it at the dinner table yesterday.

Although today it was 2 different people, both science teachers, and they we're talking about how maths is important and all; but I got them side tracked and we spent 1/4 of an hour talking about computers. At least it was more interesting than clicking my pen in and out for a solid 50 minuets.

I guess they started to notice a pattern when they were called twice in a row (they were called once before like 2 months ago; I don't remember why then.) For about a year and a half now, my year 7 chemistry teacher from the department to keep student's sanity at school would meet me in the morning once a week to talk about life and stuff. You know: generic therapist stuff. I didn't know why then but it's probably due to my autism or something as stuff like this has happened multiple times before. I guess now she's anxious because I'm doing my GCSEs now; and in capitalist Britain: you fail your GCSEs, you fail at life. Because today I came to school right as the register was being taken, miss chemistry teacher came to me in the after school room i was in.

Tip ( I learned this while explaining why my homework was always late to my year 8 RS teacher): if a teacher asks you something, and it isn't lesson related, just respond in either "yes", "no", "idk" and "ok". It makes them go away quicker. The problem is when she asked me:

"So why didn't you do any of the work in maths today? Did you not understand the topic? Was there something preventing you or did you just not feel like doing it?"

Now I've learned to carefully pick my words in conversation to avoid saying the wrong thing or avoid needing a long explanation; and when she asked me this my mind went to a blank. She repeated a variation of that question over and over, sometimes asking if any of the teachers could help. That was the only time I could actually think of an answer and it was:

"no."

I was already in a bad mood at this point, as I was drawing in my notebook as she asked me this in an empty maths classroom. That probably had nothing to do with it though. How can someone help you through your problems when you can't explain said problem to yourself? That's why I just try to forget about things. Miss chemistry teacher hasn't done anything helpful for me; the only reason I keep attending her meetings is because I don't know how to get rid of her. I actually asked her today why she won't give up and she said:

"Because we want to help you get better at maths."

Now I can tell a lame excuse when I see one. She's just going to keep getting in the way over and over. I guess I should get used to staring outside the window to watch the birds pick at the rubbish on the field. Now the reason I'm screwed, is because when I did my maths homework yesterday I just wrote "no" in all of the answer lines and ripped it up. It's due tomorrow and there's no way I'm redoing it as I don't have a spare sheet and I don't know anything on iteration despite there being multiple lessons on it. Information in maths just goes through my head like a meat grinder. I just want to fix things myself. I don't need anyone's help. Most of my problems, I fixed by myself. But I guess that's the perks of being in a private school where every little grade matters (even when they say it doesn't. It does.)