Me over sharing

If I keep deflecting and refusing the help I'm gonna seem fake. My body just won't let me 

I can't make the words come out of my mouth I just joke or make up stupid excuses. Idk why Habit I guess. They get so angry that I can't talk and I can't say why. Because I don't even know really why... I'm just so scared of breaking down. And making a mess of myself.

I hate crying Infront of people, makes me feel weak or something. Eveytime I do open up they turn and then they have so much shit on me, maybe I just have a hard time trusting people with that.

I do with alot of things, I have a hard time trusting people with so much about me. I make it as if I open up so people don't bug me to open up, I give them the basics shit so they don't have to know the real stuff. 

Like my thoughts, I hate them I hate thinking the things I think. I just non stop think overthink and I know that it's just my brain but I don't? 

Like that's why I like to read people so it gives me some clarification. But even tho I know stuff I still can't believe it. I think I'm crazy for thinking things and make shit up. 

I know I do that but I can't like idk I refuse to believe this isn't me making shit up. But I still know I feel like nothing I am saying makes shit sense. Like what I'm saying is just bullshit. 

I just shut myself out of this stuff. I think I'm helping by keeping it to myself but eveyone gets so pissed with me. I get scared that it's not bad enough and I'm just sensitive. 

That I just cry about anything and eveything. That I'm making it worse. That I am the people's I'm crazy I'm messed up I'm not as bad as I think I am or let out to be.

Maybe I'm Oki 

Maybe I'm just making shit up 

Maybe I am just so lonely that making my left worse makes people pitty me and stay. 

Maybe I just need to stop doing this to myself

But idk how 

Idk how I'm not Oki 

Idk how I am Oki 

Idk what I am who I am what I'm going to be..

Nothing I guess it always will be. 

I mean fuck look at my like falling apart around me. It's not that bad but I make it look like it's crumbling. I'm doing this for attention maybe. But then I refuse the attention. I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS HAPPING what is going on inside my head at this point. Like what's really going up here. Even these fuckers in my head can't help and that's what they are fucking here for.

I want help I do don't get me wrong. I'm just scared.

I'm so fucking scared. I don't want them to be quiet but I don't what them to say anything. I don't want them to feel bad but I don't what them to feel nothing. 

Excuses like always. I always make them. I can't stop making them.

Why?

I just sit here like a sob coz that's all I ever do and ever have done. 

Maybe I'm just messed up.