saw my chem for the first time in 15 years

i was a lil emo (literally) when i went to my first concert ever and actually, i didn't literally go inside. i grew up in a christian household and "going to rock concerts is serving the devil" kinda situation. although both my parents are obsessed with jesus christ, my dad would understand a little bit more our interest in music. 

i was in elementary school, 6th grade. had heard about my chem two years prior this date. someone from my school passed. helena was playing on MTV and that song made me emotional. reminded me of her, didn't know her at all actually. just sad she passed. but this song made my emotions feel less heavy. 

back to 2007, my sister was obsessed with them. i just knew that i liked them and i was interested, pretty much interested i'd say, but at that time i was shy to admit when i liked something my sisters liked. they would mock me saying that i was copying them. made me feel insecure. but i still couldn't help but like their music, and find them interesting. i've always been fascinated by death, even before wanting to die. 

my dad had a trip to the big city, it was october 4th 2007, they were playing shows and my sister really wanted to go. tickets were about $20 at that time. my dad promised to take her outside their show but we *wouldn't* get inside. that was enough for her, and for me.

it wasn't sure though, that he would be traveling to the big city. things at work for him had been shaky, but during lunchtime, he told us that right after finishing our meal we would be traveling to TBC. 

while on the road i was excited in silence. i couldn't hold my happiness and nervousness. my dad did his stuff and we stopped at burger king. there were some carton crowns that i still keep to this day. everything i own from that day i keep it as memorabilia. 

i would listen to my chemical romance's latest record at the time with so much hope? i don't know. 

we arrived at the venue and there were a lot of people. a lot of people like me. excited for a show, wearing different clothes, i could sense a friendly space. the show started at 8:30 i think (these small details are the only thing i don't remember) 

before that, we encountered the bands manager, brian, outside the venue. my sisters walked up to him but he gave them the "hold on a moment" hand signature. at the time, my dad thought he was a jerk. i remember brian was on the phone though, he was about to walk toward us when my sisters decided to walk away, and so he did. looking back, he was just busy with his phone. he's the manager of the big band after all. 

i remember when the show started and how my excitement grew. i contained all my crying and screaming to myself while i tried to stay calm for the sake of not getting mocked by my sisters.

they started with the end. and when they switched to dead! that's when i just knew i didn't want to leave. i felt an incredible connection to their music. it was speaking to me. i simply didn't want to go. from far, i could see gerard's and ray toro's silhouette. i particularly remember rays afro moving. i remember those memories as pictures now. i remember when they played house of wolves. that song was my favorite from the album from that moment til recent years. 

i was worried about staying for thank you for the venom and mama. i didn't want them to not allow me to listen to their music just for those two songs.

i don't remember accurately but i think we had to leave right before mama. i think we left during cancer. at the moment, i was relieved and sad to go.

i put on my mp3 and listen to TBP, especially house of wolves. i really loved that song.

not going to lie but i'd skip for years WTTBP. not that i didn't like it, just not a mood song. same thing with im not okay. listening to the black parade has a total different meaning now. 

when my chem started at wwwy fest i knew i was gonna cry. actually, i knew this way before their reunion. i cried so bad when im not okay started. 

never thought i would cry the most listening to wttbp, because at that time, the first lyrics to the song resonated with my story somehow. and that broke me into tears. to think that the last time i listened to that song live i was 11 and ready to live. now 26 and i don't know, just happy. 

im rambling words rn. im just happy. just wanted to share. i respect these four like crazy. they were my friends and support in elementary and middle school. sometimes i was ashamed for being different but then i embraced it. i loved and love their presence in my life. will probably never meet them, and even if i did i wouldn't say these words to them but since they will never read this entry...

thank you gerard, mikey, frank, ray and bob. you guys were my friends at my worst. and now i just feel like hugging you for doing that to my younger self. thanks for helping me feel like i could do it even when i was faking it. your music, besides being helpful, also drew a path in my confidence with my art and interests. something i was extremely shy about.

i feel like my younger self has healed. i saw my heroes live. i heard them. 

sorry this entry is hella romantic. im just moved by them. nostalgic. happy. goodnight