On love

I fell in love with someone I wasn't supposed to.

Catching feelings wasn't my intention.

But it happened anyway.

And then came the part where I had to deal with it.

Deal with the fact that I'd fallen for someone who didn't want me, need me, desire me as much as I did her.

And I realized that I'm not really good at dealing with it.

Love is supposed to be a beautiful thing.

And it is.

But when you fall hard for someone you can't have, boy, does it hurt!

Yeah.

Just to be clear, she didn't ask me to fall in love with her. She's innocent and pure. I'm the one who couldn't resist catching feelings for someone who was so nice and sweet to me. I've got attachment issues. I don't have friends or a girlfriend. So when someone's nice to me, I feel really special. It means so much to me when someone notices me. I feel like I'm invisible most of the time. And that's by design, but still.

It isn't the first time I'd fallen for someone I couldn't have.

But lately it seems like that's how things might be forever.

I meet a nice woman. Kind, sweet, caring, lovely, beautiful, intelligent, smart, funny - I catch feelings, and then I can't have them.

So many lessons to be learned. Like in the moment, I couldn't think straight.

But now, I'm trying to get my brain to do some thinking. Trying to look back at things, analyze them, get different perspectives, understand, learn.

There was a young lady, 19 years old. I saw her crying and pouring her heart out for some guy who was hurting her, cheating on her and just using her. At that time, I was thinking, why doesn't she just leave him? Leave him, and move on.

But now I realize, and understand, it's easier said than done.

Letting go - how do you let go? You see them, and you want them, right? You think of them, and you miss them. You can't turn it off like a switch. On - now I'm thinking about you. Off - Now I'm not. On - Now I am. Off - Now I'm not.

You can't decide who you're going to fall in love with. You can only choose to be selective of whom you get close to.

I've had a lot of injuries, I've endured a lot of physical pain, but I can now say for sure, nothing hurts more than the emotional pain and the mental strain that comes with loving someone that you can't have.

It's happened twice. Twice in a row. This is the second time.

A few more times and I might become an expert in loving and letting go.

Letting go - it's really hard. But I think the strongest people in this world, are those who can love someone so much, yet let them be free.

Then again, what are the options? Force them to love me back? Threaten them to love me back or else? What are the options for love? None. You can't force someone to love you back. You certainly can't threaten them to do so. You can try to convince them, but love is an emotional thing, isn't it? Feelings. They either feel the same way, or they don't.

You just have to suck it up and deal with it.

I'm too needy. I get attached easily and I'm too soft and sensitive and emotional and needy and clingy. I was the same way many years ago. The only time I was strong and logical and reasonable was when I was alone.

Love is supposed to make people strong. You love someone, and they're supposed to make you stronger. But for me, it's seems to be a weakness. Love makes me weak and vulnerable.

My brother used to say, men like us, we're not meant to be loved.

Painful words, but they really hit home hard.

He was right.

I wish he was wrong, but then I've had a lot of wishes. None of them came true.