Catching Up - 10/31/22

      I will be 18 in 30 days. That's crazy!! My whole life leading up to a span of 30 days left of being a kid. Though I've come to the idea that being a kid can happen at any age. Seeing my dad playing games, playing dinos with my baby sister, and even just raising us has let him be a kid through my sisters and me. I don't really have to stop being me, at any age. Though I'm sure my interests will change, and they definitely have, they don't HAVE to change at 18. I still love legos and dolls and playing video games and watching cartoons, and that doesn't change me or define me. I'm still horrified about turning 18, but I think this year will be tears of joy instead of anguish. 

      Today is Halloween, yet this weekend ended up being some of the worst days I've experienced in a while when It comes to my mental state and my emotions. Halloween is my favorite thing in the entire world, next to my parents, my sister, and my dogs. But this year, Halloween came and is nearly gone, and for the first year ever, I don't even have a costume. Not a mask, not a cape, not even a Halloween shirt, or some cute spooky earrings. I've got a striped sweater on today and I'm sitting in the library by the window like always and the specialness of today is hard to find right now. We didn't even put up any decorations. In fact, my mother's neighborhood was bare of ANY Halloween decor until last night, and some of the houses even have Christmas lights on. My neighbors C and R got married ON HALLOWEEN! They go all out every. single. year. They have gargoyles out all year round, and when Halloween comes, they start preparing in September! But this year, there wasn't a single skeleton in their yard, and the goyles looked even more dreary than usual. What is happening?! I've been feeling the magic leave so many once-special things in my life and it's more painful than I ever imagined. But maybe it's leaving for everyone, or on a brief pause. Maybe the reason people are so excited for Christmas instead was we need the big special, magical pick-me-up to end this awful year. We can do scary right now because everything that has happened in the past 3 years has proven to be even scarier than any goblin, ghoul, skeleton, or monster we can put up in our front yards. 

      I'm going to Hawaii tonight, really late in the night. I'm excited. Well, I don't think excited is the right word. I've been looking forward to this so much, that instead of trick or treating or doing Halloween things, I'm packing for this, and have been for a while. I need this trip. I don't have any friends anymore, and seeing Halloween parties online and on my old friends, Instagram stories is killing me. The one "close friend" I have treats me like garbage, and when I tried all month to try to plan something so we could have one more Halloween together, he went behind my back to cancel our plans to hang out with his other friends and the girl he likes. School is tedious, and I hate almost every kid here. I feel so, so out of place, I can't wait to get out of here. I think this break in the year for relaxing is what I need. I need a new environment, a place to just... not worry at all. New York was absolutely magical, and I WILL go back one day, but I've never seen anything like Hawaii, and I hope it's just as amazing as I'm hoping. Speaking of getting away, I took a college tour on Saturday and the campus was almost perfect. It was so mature, yet innocent, it was sophisticated and graceful and just beautiful. The art department was huge, and the students all looked so happy and so gorgeously independent. People were in costumes for Halloween, in things like retro celebs, anime characters, and hell, even a hotdog suit. There were all smiles, no prejudice, and no worries. The classes looked challenging and thoughtful and fantastic and it really is the place I want to live and grow as a young adult. I wanna meet people and hone my skills as an artist and as a journalist. It's just amazing. I didn't feel an ounce of self-consciousness being there. It felt so natural. I could see myself sitting on the field next to the Spellman Campus Building and reading, or drawing. Or in the wooden gazebo with my friends or classmates, eating lunch or studying, and i saw myself walking through the dorms and going into my room and feeling at-home. 
      Anyway, life has been odd the last few months, and I can only hope this is just a dip in a large valley of events. I'll hit rock bottom soon, or maybe I already have, but one thing is for certain: It will get better.