agghgh

Excuse the double spaces, its my keyboard

Bruh ive never  felt so horrible in my life. I said something that I really shouldn't have today and yesterday I felt  like I lost a friend. I don't think i'll ever be able to view him again without thinking that he secretly hates me for  who I am.

I was on tiktok today as a form of escapism because it usually makes me laugh, but I've noticed the increasing number  of  tiktoks about depression and negative things that i've been able to relate to and I've always thought of myself as a happy person. Ive realized that that is a mistake but continued to do  it. 

My eczema or psoriasis, which ever it may be has been getting worse. I'm contently itching to the points that my hands begin to cramp up. It's really embarrassing to go to school with a bunch of dead skin cells all over my black pants. I've switched to a brighter assortment of shirts so that you wouldn't see it as much but it's still embarrassing to see it on my pants. It's been getting so bad that it's now on my face, I look like a fucking dork. My eyelids are constantly swollen from scratching, making them hooded and make myself look stupid. In second period today, I was talking to the girl who sits next to me in art about the  future (already a topic I don't enjoy talking about) and I blinked, and my eyelid got stuck. It was so embarrassing that I hid my eyes.

Today in my english class, we're doing a passion project and we're updating a slideshow  with updates on our passion. I realized that  I had nothing to talk about my passion, I haven't made any progress as very much as I would like to. The thing is, drawing is what I'm all about, without it I just feel like a dumb bitch but I can't draw with this, what feels like to be 7 months of an art block.

My teacher said to us yesterday that school is our job, we only work on school and leave the few hours we have left to ourselves. I found that very annoying actually, but today he was nicer today and I actually felt comfortable in his class today. Besides feeling comfortable in his class today, I don't like how school is just my life, it's my sole purpose and what is it for? All i've done in school is memorize and forget. I don't learn anything new. I can't memorize for the sake of myself. I honestly don't know how I've even managed  to get the grades I have now.

I can't look at my friends without having to think about how much I want to talk to them about shit. I feel like if I tell them too much about myself, they'll leave me no matter how long i've known them for. I'm super grateful for one of my friends though, I love how I can  tell him anything and he doesn't think of me negatively. I just fear that i'm losing him though, i feel like since we're in different states, he's been making friends that he'll slowly drift to talk to them instead of me. I know how selfish that sounds and i'm really  happy  that he's making friends, but I can't think of how scared I would be without being able to talk to him.

I feel like a freak and that my life  has always been like this and I've never realized it.

I don't know if Taylor will see this but I love you so much and thank you so much for being there for me  and I'm going to go cry now.

P.S. I'm okay.