TW: Unable to Move on after Trauma

I've moved on.

Really, I have.

I accept that it happened. Made my peace with it. All that bullshit.

But it still haunts me. Every fucking time.

I'm 25 now and this shit happened almost ten years ago. I'm aware that trauma tends to stay with you and "it gets better with time." But I'm running out of time.

I've been in a loving relationship for the past seven years, but sex is still extremely difficult. I used to be pretty kinky prior to the incident. But now, the sex is so vanilla and bland and that's still proving to be difficult to me. I barely even touch myself without feeling disgusting.

Has my libido decreased since I'm getting older?

Is it because of my trauma?

Am I turning into someone who is asexual?

I feel 100% safe with the person I'm with, but I still can't do simple shit in the bedroom without freaking out inside my head. I try to hide it, but my facial expression just comes across as being bland and uninterested in what's happening sexually.

I try so hard. But the simplest shit is so difficult. 

It's been creating a divide with me and my partner for the past few years, and I don't know what else I can do. He says that he shouldn't be punished for something he didn't do to me and something that happened years ago. He's right. He was understanding at first, and still is. But my libido just isn't as high as his, and I can't keep up mentally. 

I had low self-esteem to begin with, so now how the fuck am I supposed to feel sexy and act seductive in the bedroom? I can't. It's virtually impossible. 

I can't keep up.

I can't enjoy sex anymore.

Even when I'm not transported back to that night replaying in my head like my own personal hell. 

Even when I feel safe with someone who I know would never hurt me. That I've known for years since high school. 

Why can't this feeling end?

I just want this to stop so I can be happy again.

But trauma stays with you forever.

And I can't find any meaning in this suffering I've endured. 

I'm cursed until this painful memory is gone after I breathe my last breath and it's finally over. 

Fuck this.